


Red Isn't Your Color

by sensational_legislational



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Lots of Sword Art Online references, M/M, MMORPGs, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unhealthy Relationships, Virtual Reality, movie date
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-03-08 16:32:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13462137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sensational_legislational/pseuds/sensational_legislational
Summary: There are many things that John Egbert did not know.He didn’t know anything about programming, robotics, or generally anything having to do with a computer. As far as he knew, it was all magic.John also knew nothing about the specific type of computer he had received for his fifteenth birthday. It was a model 4.13 NerveTap Virtual Reality Headgear, and his equal excitement and confusion upon receiving it was shared with a host of other 15-year-olds across the globe.But in minutes since its arrival, John deduced the first item of knowledge about his new VR headset. He would finally be able to see his closest friends face-to-face.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place in a universe where the kids didn't get SBURB until they were about 16. Also, Bro Strider made an auto-responder and is also named Dirk. So he's kinda Dirk but not really? Canon is confusing.

There are many things that John Egbert did not know.

He didn’t know anything about programming, robotics, or generally anything having to do with a computer. As far as he knew, it was all magic.

John also knew nothing about the specific type of computer he had received for his fifteenth birthday. It was a model 4.13 NerveTap Virtual Reality Headgear, and his equal excitement and confusion upon receiving it was shared with a host of other 15-year-olds across the globe.

But in minutes since its arrival, John deduced the first item of knowledge about his new VR headset. He would finally be able to see his closest friends face-to-face.

John scrambled to his computer to bear the good news.

 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 17:34 --

 

EB: dave!

TG: yo

EB: i got a NerveTap for my birthday!!

TG: oh sick

TG: but nervetap? i thought your dad had better taste

EB: i think it’s fine.

TG: well you think wrong

TG: nervetap sets break after like two years

TG: brainwave is where its at

EB: who cares about brainwave? it’s more expensive. we’re not made of money!

TG: ok cool your jets monopoly man

TG: well still be able to play the same games

EB: oh man! i haven’t even thought of what to buy for it!

TG: lucky for you the newest nervetap comes with a copy of swords and sins

TG: but that game sucks

EB: does anyone else have it?

TG: probably jade. she has like 20 nervetaps. i think one of them hasnt even come out yet

EB: how did she get one that hasn’t come out yet?

TG: who knows

TG: my point is

TG: youre not gonna get far with just one game

EB: well i know that!

TG: ive got seas of recs

TG: oceans

TG: you could surf on all the games i want you to play

EB: can we just start with one?

TG: ok to get the controls down and get used to being in vr youre probably gonna want to play swords and sins first

TG: but after that youre free to go

EB: ok, dave. is there a game that everyone has so far? i wanna see you guys!

TG: well

TG: my bro made a game

TG: like its complete shit but what can you expect

TG: its free and i think rose has it

EB: he made a game?? that sounds so cool! whats it called?

TG: gun gays online

EB: whats it really called?

TG: im not shitting you thats the title

EB: well i’ve heard weirder.

TG: im sure you have

TG: its a fantasy rpg but with guns

TG: you can have like swords and shit but they all have guns attached to them

TG: its basically an xp farmer for the most part

TG: but you can buy sexy outfits with that xp

EB: sounds fun!

TG: it is. in its own way

EB: i’ll get it as soon as i can! thanks dave!

TG: dont blame me if your eyes start to bleed while youre in stasis

EB: what?

TG: anyway later

EB: okay?

 

Immediately after Dave’s disconnection, John knew exactly what he was going to do. He was going to try out his new headgear, of course. He retrieved the microwave-sized box from downstairs and set it down on his bed. It wasn’t all that heavy, and John was thankful for this fact. He tore into the box, slid the styrofoam casing out, and held the gear in his hands.

It was a helmet, to put it in the most basic terms. To put it in more complicated terms, it was four curved wedges of hard plastic joined to one another with adjustable pegs. Underneath, a delicate foam pad protected a wire mesh affixed to an internal apparatus. A fabric strap spanned around where a forehead would be, also adjustable to ensure the helmet stayed on in stasis. A power cord here, some sort of electrode there, and a whole bunch of optimistic confusion from John.

He located an instruction book and unfolded it. Luckily for him, it was made with 15-year-olds in mind, enabling John to comprehend it to a necessary degree. In fact, there was a step-by-step on first time setup.

STEP 1: Plug power cord into nearby outlet.

This step was easy enough. John knew that some wires could be plugged into the wall, and he identified one of the wires attached to the headset as a likely candidate. He plugged it into the wall.

STEP 2: Lay in a comfortable position on a soft surface, such as a bed.

John swept the box and extra packaging off his bed and onto the floor. He’d clean it up later when his dad told him to. He assumed a position on the bed that he’d seen in an anime one time. It was comfortable enough to stay in, and John felt fulfilled.

STEP 3: Attach adhesive electrode (white wire) to the nape of your neck.

John scarcely knew what “nape” meant, but judging from the diagram, it was telling him to stick it at about where his hairline ended in the middle of his neck. He peeled off the plastic film on the electrode and attached it in its designated spot.

STEP 4: Locate power button over right ear.

John failed to find the button the first time, but upon searching his left ear, he found it. John knew enough about headsets to know that he had put it on backwards. He quickly remedied his error.

STEP 5: Press button and enjoy your NerveTap experience!

What was the NerveTap experience? John was about to find out. He pressed the button and his vision faded away.

 

\--

 

John was standing in a dark room with a spotlight squarely on him. He was standing upright, to his surprise. He shifted his body around, finding himself to seem thoroughly real. He looked around him, and found something in the corner of his eye located behind him.

Words. Great big blocky white letters the size of a large building, spelling out several words.

“WELCOME TO THE NERVETAP LOBBY. NOD YOUR HEAD TO BEGIN CALIBRATION.”

John nodded obediently, and the text vanished. Soon, more text materialized.

“POSITION YOUR BODY AS SIMILARLY TO THE HALO AS YOU CAN.” An outline of a person in a strange position materialized in front of him. John did his best to maneuver his limbs in the correct way. He considered himself average in this performance.

The VR console ran John through several other tests, sensory and physical. It really was a boring process, but not to John. He was just thrilled to experience full-stasis VR for the first time.

When the tests concluded, John was greeted with a main menu, about the size of five to six school lockers. Several buttons decorated the top, labeled STORE, GAMES, FRIENDS, and MY PROFILE. John selected MY PROFILE first, of course. What kind of gamer would launch into a game without fully customizing a profile? None in John’s mind.

The profile customization was also relatively boring, but John found it delightful.

After assigning himself a username and player skin, he felt ready to take on a game. Under the GAMES tab, John was unsurprised to see a copy of Swords and Sins. But John was too curious to just start that game, like Dave recommended. He should at least check out Gun Gays Online, shouldn’t he? John thought so.

He tapped his finger on the STORE tab and was immediately confronted with a barrage of recognizable titles. The trashy games were artfully hidden in the system’s algorithm, but John knew he could find the true rough among the diamonds. He tapped the search bar and a keyboard materialized in front of him. He typed “gun gays online” into the bar, just as he would on a computer.

The very first search result was definitely the right one. Its thumbnail image was a horribly destroyed jpeg of what was probably a pleasant countryside scene. At least, that’s what John hoped. He selected it and its full page came up. There were no reviews except one from someone with the username scarlet_circuits. It consisted of a single word. “dank”. John cringed. The last time he saw that word being said was, what, five years ago? Scarlet_circuits needed to get with the times.

The download button was sitting right there, very, VERY tappable. Naturally, John tapped it. A terms and conditions page later, the game had begun its download. 

The estimated download time was a little over half an hour. In the end, it took about forty-five minutes for it to download, and ten for it to install. John spent this extra time in Swords and Sins, although he scarcely got beyond his character creation before a popup displayed in the top left corner of his vision. “Download complete: Gun Gays Online,” it read. Without hesitation, John tapped his finger on the popup, and before long, the game was booting up.

The title screen was thoroughly disarming.

“SMUPPET KING PRESNETS… GUN GAYS ONLINE.” A looping animation of an intensely-colored puppet smut scene filled his vision, assaulting him from all sides. It took John several seconds to process before he found the play button in badly contrasting comic sans.

In a wash of relief, the title screen faded away. A semi-pleasant grassy field spanned in all directions. The colors were more saturated than most other games and the grass was fairly low-definition, but at least the breeze and ambient sounds were nice.

The interface in front of John made basically no sense. John tried and failed to puzzle out what was probably the inventory. Instead, he decided he was going to focus on exploration. Around him there wasn’t much except grassy fields and a small village-looking area. Judging the latter to be much more interesting, John headed that direction.

Every few steps, John felt a shift in the terrain he was walking on. He concluded that it was probably a glitch and wondered if it would ever be patched. Probably not, considering the nature of the game in general. Maybe that voice he was hearing was also a glitch.

No, the voice was definitely not a glitch. It was too lifelike. Also, it sounded a lot like Dave. It was probably Dave, since he was most likely the only one to have downloaded this game besides John.

Following Probably Dave’s voice, John entered the village. Several badly rendered NPCs wandered the streets, staring at John as he walked by. He had previously hoped that they didn’t have any voice lines, but having them eerily silent may have been worse. Oh well, nothing John could change. He entered the building that the Davelike voice was broadcasting from.

Immediately upon opening the door, the voice revealed itself to belong to Dave (probably), who was very engaged in a conversation with a shopkeeper NPC.

“Buy. BUY,” Dave was saying exasperatedly.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I swear by your creator I will obliterate you into mere code.”

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Buy or suffer my wrath.”

“Would you like to buy this item?”

“YES.”

“Purchase cancelled.”

“DAMMIT.”

Even Dave had trouble with his bro’s coding. John felt more self-satisfied to know this.

“Hey there Dave,” he said casually. Dave jumped almost a foot in the air. He whirled around to see who addressed him. Once he had properly processed his surprise, he put a hand to his forehead

“Shit, dude! Warn me next time!”

“Sorry, I thought the door would make noise.”

“That’s fine, that’s fine. Also weird. The door usually makes noise.”

“Guess it’s a glitch.”

“Yep.” Dave did a quick full take on John’s appearance. “So... this is what John looks like, huh?”

“Yeah? I mean, I dunno. What do I look like in this game?”

“It just uses the profile you make in the game system’s menu.”

“Oh, then yes! This is... yeah, this is me!”

“Indeed it is. I’m Dave, but you knew that. I don’t have red hair in real life. You also knew that. Pleasure.” He stuck out his hand and John took it in a firm handshake.

“You look a lot different than you do in selfies!”

“So do you.”

An awkward silence ensued, as it always does when a socially awkward teen meets another socially awkward teen. Some quiet shop music played in the background.

“That title screen was quite the adventure,” said John, breaking the ice. “Is the rest of the game like that?”

“Nah. Bro said it was to ‘weed out the weak’ before they got to the real game, but I think he just doesn’t know how to program a title screen. The rest of the game is fine, except for a few bugs. A lot of bugs.”

“Oh yeah, I noticed a bunch of those. Weren’t you trying to buy something when I came in?”

“Yep. That armor over there,” Dave pointed to an armor stand behind the counter of the shop. It was very curvaceous and extremely sparse in general coverage.

“Whoa. You’ve gotta be real confident with your body to wear that,” said John.

“It’s VR. Your body can be whatever you want.”

“Oh, sweet!”

“And right now, I wanna be sexy. And also have more armor points.”

“Try it again! I wanna see how this works.”

“Alright, dude.” Dave turned again to the shopkeeper. “Buy.”

“Would you like to buy this item?” it blankly said.

“Yes.”

“Transaction complete!” Dave looked at John with an expression of general defeat.

“The game’s only behaving for you, I swear.” He fiddled with his inventory, trying to find the armor he just bought.

“Why do you say that?”

“Eh, little things. It took forever for me to get through the door just today. It was conspiring against me. When it opened, it played the loudest sound bite known to mankind. Oh, there it is.” He selected the armor and a popup asked him if he would equip it. “You ready for this?”

“Maybe?” Dave pressed “yes” and the armor appeared on his model. It hovered awkwardly around his body, leaving his default model (and the clothes upon it) completely unchanged underneath. It was very unsexy.

“Well, that’s disappointing,” he muttered. “Oh well. I’ll have to rely on my natural rugged sexiness.”

“It’s not like sexiness matters anyway in a game with no players in it.”

“Nope. It’s an actual stat.”

“Really?”

“Yep. If you can find the stats menu, it’ll reveal your base stats. I was gifted with a randomly-generated high sexiness stat.”

“That feels like a dick joke.”

“Trust me, it is.”

“Cool.”

“You can romance NPCs easier with a high sexiness stat. Not shopkeepers, though. Unfortunately.” John got a very bad idea.

“That sounds like a challenge!”

“It really wasn’t, but I’d love to see you try.” The shopkeeper stared unblinkingly and unsexily at John over a poorly textured wooden desk.

“Try me. I might have a high sexiness stat too!”

“Unlikely.”

“Whatever.” John turned his gaze to the shopkeeper and put on his best suave movie star impression. “Hey there, keeps.” Dave snickered in the background. “You’ve really caught my eye there, haven’t you? Whaddaya say we step outside the shop for a little? I promise I’ll treat you right.”

“John, I swear by the Smuppet King…” laughed Dave.

“What about I show you my…”

“John, don’t say it.”

“High sexiness stat.”

“Dude,” said Dave, stifling laughter.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” said the NPC.

Both teens laughed, very heartily.

“H-hey!” said John, between laughs. “It looks like I’m not the only one with a high sexiness stat around here!”

The NPC responded only with a blank stare instead of a request to repeat the user’s words. Another glitch, the boys guessed.

“Those low-poly pants look so good on you. You know where they’d look better?” Dave silently laughed behind John, waiting for that sentence to finish. “On the floor.” More laughter from the boys.

The NPC changed its expression to a frown, and the laughing intensified.

“Hey dipshit. This NPC isn’t romanceable,” said the NPC.

Both John and Dave stopped laughing and looked at each other.

“Was that…” began John.

“No,” said Dave. “That… was weird.”


	2. Chapter 2

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 9:24 --

EB: good morning rose!

TT: It probably is for you.

EB: are you not having a good morning?

TT: It isn’t morning at all.

EB: oh right, time zones.

TT: Yes.

EB: what’s up?

TT: I’ve spent a few hours today trying to master Gun Gays Online. You managed to catch me during lunch.

EB: dave convinced you to play that too?

TT: Dave suggested the idea. I bought it and played it using my own free will.

EB: did it talk to you?

TT: What do you mean?

EB: did any of the npcs talk to you? like, not their normal dialogue.

TT: No. That’s not how games work.

EB: i don’t know how games work.

TT: I am well aware.

EB: i played that game yesterday and one of the shopkeeper guys just… talked to me?

TT: That’s weird. Are you convinced the game isn’t haunted?

EB: at this point, i don’t know anymore.

TT: Haunted or not, something is unique about that game. See if you can find out information about it next time you play.

EB: i was just gonna play it right now!

TT: Excellent. I will also play in a moment.

EB: cool! see you there!

TT: You too.

 

Although John may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, he was indeed sharp enough to comfortably cut through the idea that something fishy was going on with Gun Gays Online. In fact, it had occupied his thoughts all afternoon the previous day. But this day, John was determined to replicate the unique circumstances that led to yesterday’s brief encounter.

John remembered the setup process for his VR console quite well, which was a good thing. He had accidentally discarded the instructions with the rest of the packaging. He hoped there was nothing else he needed to know. He slipped the helmet over his head, attached the electrode and the power cord, assumed a relaxing position, and began his second session of gameplay.

The title screen was, again, disarming. When the words “SMUPPET KING PRESNETS…” faded into the blackness behind it, John remembered to close his eyes too late. He caught a flash of puppet smut and felt the harsh colors, jarring animation, and mere concept of the title screen singe into his corneas. Struggling to avert his poor young eyes, John scrambled to the play button and pressed it. Once again, he was placed in the video game’s world.

He was right where he was standing when he last disconnected from the game, in the center square of the village. Yesterday, Dave had taught him the ins and outs of the game controls. Dave also taught him how the inventory system worked, but John barely remembered any of his friend’s lessons. But now John knew how to swing a gunhammer, and by golly was he gonna do it. John equipped his Two-Handed Automatic Machinemallet and marched off into the hills, searching for monsters to fight.

The first monster John encountered was not a monster at all, but Dave. Dave had just done a number on a wandering Smungulate. All five of its hooves faced upward in a poor imitation of death. A number rose from its corpse as it disappeared without a noticeable transition. Dave spotted John out of the corner of his eye and nodded curtly.

“What’s up,” said John cheerily, walking briskly over to his friend.

“Not much, I just got here. XP farming, mostly,” was Dave’s reply. He struck a more casual stance and turned to fully face John. “You look ready for questing,” he said.

“I sure am,” said John. “I’m on a quest to find out what’s happening in this game!”

“Good luck. I’ve been on that quest since its release.”

“Well, now I’m on it too!”

“Cool.” Dave spun his Musketana by the trigger like a total badass.

“Any progress since yesterday?” asked John, trying not to sound too impressed by Dave’s dismissal of basic gun safety.

“Nah. I’ve already tried flirting with all the NPCs, but none of them responded. We might need to do some real shit to this game to piss it off.”

“Couldn’t it kick us out if it doesn’t like us?”

“There’s a fine balance to strike between pissing it off and getting ourselves a lifelong ban. We’ve just gotta find it.”

“Sounds dangerous.”

“Says the guy who’s lying comatose in the comfort of his bed.”

“So are you.”

“Wrong. I’m on a futon.”

“Same thing!”

“Not really.” The two teens set off in the same direction. The fields were littered with passive creatures like the Smungulate Dave had just killed. None of the creatures had a very high XP yield, so neither John nor Dave bothered with heroically slaying them.

“Has Jade been here yet?” John wondered out loud.

“I saw her login message just as I was heading out. I visited her spawnpoint, said hi, gave her the rundown of the game’s mechanics, the usual shenanigans.”

“Did she choose a build?”

“Ranged.”

“Cool.” John pretty much knew Jade would have chosen to fire a gun instead of firing a sword. It just made so much more sense.

The two teens barely spoke as they wandered aimlessly across the grassy fields. There generally wasn’t a lot to talk about in a fantasy world that did all the talking for them. Repetitive sound clips echoed all around them. Bird calls, wind noises, and the bustle of a distant puppet animal orgy. Nature here was strange and unnatural, but in a way, beautiful.

John did not think it was beautiful. John found it slightly repulsive and highly unsettling.

To take his mind off the implications of the game world’s ecosystem, John decided to check in with Dave to see if he knew what he was doing either.

“So… what’s the plan?” He asked, relatively uselessly.

“Plan? Well, I’ve got an idea of what to do. But I wouldn’t call it a plan, more like… a deconstructed concept.”

“And that is?”  
“We find a follower NPC. Those things are broken as hell.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Anything else?” John pondered this for a moment, and came to the conclusion that he did indeed have something else to ask.

“Yeah. Where are we going?”

“This next town,” said Dave, indicating the map on his translucent player interface. “It’s kinda far off, so… get comfy, I guess?”

“I guess.”

Some eye-catching text popped up on both teens’ interfaces. It said “[tentacleTherapist] is nwo online babey!!!” in garishly yellow comic sans.

“Hey, it’s Rose,” commented John.

“I had no idea,” said Dave. “I thought it was just someone else named tentacleTherapist, completely unrelated to the tentacleTherapist we know.”

“Har har.”

“I should probably warp to her and- okay, never mind.” Another message displayed on both interfaces. This time, the text was simply “[tentacleTherapist] sent yuo a *FRIEND REQUEST*”.

“Wow, she’s… a fast learner,” muttered Dave, accepting the request.

“She told me she was trying to master it. This game, I mean,” said John.

“When did she start that? I was online all day yesterday.”

“Who knows? It’s Rose.”

A deafening _whoosh_ sound effect (clearly ripped from some sketchy free sfx website) resounded across the countryside. John and Dave both jumped like startled puppet animals. Several actual puppet animals took off running nowhere in particular. A lone Porncupine clipped into the ground, never to be seen again.

“Hey,” said Rose, having just initiated the sound by warping to John and Dave. She was decorated with decently high-level armor (which was so small on her it was partially inside her) and two magnificent gunwands sparkling with jpeg artifacts.

“Oh… Hi, Rose,” said John, shaken from the sudden noise.

“Sup,” said Dave curtly, probably impressed but unyielding about it.

“You look well. Grinding for XP?” Rose asked, glancing up and down at John and Dave. She probably wasn’t judging their general skill at the game, but she could have been.

“Nah,” said Dave. “We’re just trying to get to Gunnsville.”

“You haven’t been there yet?”

“Don’t rub it in, dude,” said Dave. “The deal is we’re trying to break the game. It spoke to us yesterday. It was some crazy shit. You should have seen it.”

“I’ve heard. I’m skeptical. I’m into it,” stated Rose, as if these were well-known facts. “Although… I can’t figure out why you want to go to Gunnsville. It’s possibly the least broken city in the game.”

“Like you’ve been to any of the others,” commented John foolishly. Rose looked him dead in the eye and smiled.

“I’d bring you to the Platoon, but you’d die in seconds without the proper armor. Either from the gunshots or the glitches. You wouldn’t know the extent of it.”

“Yeah, I’d prefer it if none of us died,” interjected Dave, who foresaw the imminent destruction of John if he continued any further. “That’s why we’re just starting with a follower NPC.”

“Seems fair enough,” concluded Rose. “Those things are… broken as hell.”

“Yeah,” said Dave.

“Yeah,” said Rose.

“Where did you get those wands?” John marveled, his attention inevitably drawn to Rose’s weapons of choice.

“These?” she said, brandishing them. “These are the Nordenthorns. I picked them up in a high-level shop in the town after Gunnsville.”

“I wish I chose the mage build! It looks so cool!”

“Actually, I think the hammer suits you better,” commented Rose, nodding at John’s Two-Handed Automatic Machinemallet, which was about as clunky as its name.

“Really?”

“Sure. It looks right on you.”

“I’ve really just gotta get used to it,” said John, slightly bashful. “I don’t usually have such a heavy weapon.”

“There’s a better one on sale in a shop in the next town,” said Rose.

“Well, let’s go,” said Dave, eager to get on the road. “Long way ahead of us. Possibly an hour of walking. Too bad none of us have ever visited the city.”

“Acknowledged.”

“Rose, I’m asking you to warp us there.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

“Let’s go!” cheered John, who was starting to feel left out.

 

\--

 

John’s enthusiasm was a naive mistake.

The kids kept at it for literally hours. Their attempts to deeply and fundamentally irk the game were numerous, but futile. Their new traveling companion Yalda had been through it all. He had endured hours of being poked, prodded, shoved, taunted, shut into doors, thrown into lakes, and generally having a bad time. At least he would have had a bad time, had he been sentient in the slightest.

“What is your request?” said Yalda, thoroughly useless.

“You might not believe this, Y-man,” said Dave, pacing around. “But your existence is as fragile as a single line of code. As an admin of Gun Gays Online, I can obliterate you in a fraction of a second. So make your choice. Die at my hands… or speak to us.”

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” said Yalda, his computerized face blanker than a screen that’s been turned off.

“Dammit,” said Dave, burying his face in his hands. Yalda stood up from his wooden stool and proceeded to walk into a wall.

“Have we tried stabbing him and talking to him at the same time?” said John, still determined.

“Look, John, I think what we saw wasn't anything,” groaned Dave. “Probably just a hacker or something. Or just a thing my bro put in to screw us over.”

“Come on! I know there's something. We've just gotta prove that we want to hear it enough.” Once John said this, he knew his friends didn't believe it. Rose and Dave exchanged glances silently. John wasn't an idiot. He could read social cues.

“Okay,” said John, caving in. “Sorry I kept you here for this long.” He looked at the virtual ground and watched the dust particles scatter under his shifting feet.

“It was really no trouble,” Rose said. “In fact, it was quite fun.”

“For the first two hours,” muttered Dave. John did not see the deathly glare Rose shot at Dave, but if he did, a chill would have run down his spine.

“No, really. I’m sorry,” continued John. “You guys can go ahead and do whatever. I’ll just… keep going.” He slumped down onto a wooden stool guiltily.

“John…” said Rose, stepping a little closer to him. “It’s fine. You don’t have to feel like you wronged us in any way. In fact, we did have a good time.”

“Yeah?” said John.

“Yeah. We’re your friends and we’ll always support you.”

“Hell yeah,” said Dave. “Wouldn’t ditch our thing for the world.”

“Thanks, guys…” said John, feeling a little better. “But I can tell you don’t want to be here. I’m good, okay? I’ll keep going.”

“Are you sure?” asked Rose with her trademark sincere intensity.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay, Dave,” she said, motioning to Dave. “Come on, let’s leave him to it.” Dave said nothing, but followed Rose and gave John a pair of sincere finger guns. With kind smiles, both of the blond kids had left, leaving John on his lonesome.

John stared at the ceiling, which was phasing in and out of existence with every minute movement of John’s eyes. He wondered if the game was speaking to him in morse code, but didn’t pay much attention to it. Mostly because he didn’t know morse code. John listened for the sound of his friends warping away.

One _whoosh_ later, John knew that it was just him and the game. A game that John believed was trying to speak to him.

“I don’t get it,” said John out loud. “If you’re something that can actually think for itself… why do you keep hiding?” He opened the door, not triggering the door’s usually loud sound effect. Stepping outside, John decided to speak more.

“Can you even hear me?” he cried to the virtual sky. John was startled by the loud noise of a door opening and he whirled around.

“What is your request?” asked Yalda disappointingly. John sighed.

“I dunno. Just… tell me if you understand me?”

“No,” said Yalda. John’s heart skipped a beat in surprise.

“What…?”

“No. After all that shit you did to me? Hell no.” Yalda’s voice no longer consisted of his downloaded voice clips, but of a mostly monotone, robotic voice. It was a young voice, quite unfitting of the strapping middle-aged body it appeared to be coming from.

“You’re… you’re… how?” John couldn’t form coherent sentences. He was just that surprised.

“Get it together, hammer boy,” said Yalda sarcastically.

“Right… right… okay.”

“You good?”

“No! Yes?”

“Pick one. I don’t have all day. Actually I do, but that’s not the point.”

“You’re… Yalda?” John said, trying to collect his thoughts.

Yalda sighed. “No. Well, yes. This is the Yalda program you’re seeing. I’m not Yalda. What kind of name is that anyway? It’s stupid.”

“Who… are you?”

“The god of this world. Basically.”

“A hacker?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay… I just… what?”

“You don’t know how games work.”

“I really don’t. Can you, uhh… show me how this works? Like, visually? What do you look like? Why are you just talking to me?”

Yalda sighed again. “Fine. Just come with me. I’ll show you.” He took off at a quick pace toward the creek to the east of Gunnsville.

“Uhh… okay!” said John, compliantly running after him. He suddenly felt himself moving faster. Looking up at his display, John found that he had a speed buff applied to him. Whoever this god was, they had a lot of power. Which is technically the definition of the word “god” anyway.

Yalda ran up to the creek and deftly navigated the stepping stones across it. Whatever stupid AI that Yalda had was long gone, and even John knew this. John attempted to follow suit with similar grace and quickness, but ended up stepping in the creek. His feet couldn’t get wet in the game, but it was still disappointing.

The opening to a cavern gaped intimidatingly over the crest of a hill. The cave entrance was neither on the map nor in John’s knowledge of the game, but there it was in its fully-rendered glory.

“What is this place?” John asked to Yalda, or whatever was operating him.

“Nothing important,” he said. “Your map is now the map to this dungeon.” John looked over to discover that it was indeed in the place of his regular map. The dungeon in question appeared to be very long and incredibly tedious.

“Finish this dungeon...” continued Yalda, “... and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Shit.”

“Have fun, asshole.” said Yalda, immediately despawning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I KNOW Yalda is a terrible name, but I wanted to name one of the most important plot points in the story after Dirk's denizen, Yaldabaoth. It just made sense to name an NPC after its creator's denizen. Yaldabaoth was also the self-proclaimed god of all monsters. The entity speaking through Yalda proclaims itself to be the "god of this world, basically", connecting the two in more ways than one.
> 
> I dunno, I just thought that was a cool connection to obscure homestuck canon.


	3. Chapter 3

Self-reflection is an important part of human life, and mostly what distinguishes them from, say, robots. Humans have the ability to think things such as “Why am I here?” or “What am I accomplishing?”, whereas robots and most animals cannot. Some humans do this more often than others, ranging from once in a month to many times in a day. John Egbert fell solidly in the middle of this range.

While John Egbert may not have been particularly prone to self-reflect, there were times when he was simply prompted to think in a more self aware manner. For example, the situation he found himself in moments after entering an uncharted dungeon in pursuit of some strange intelligence. It was very prompting of reflection, especially one certain thought.

“Why am I still doing this?”

John said this thought aloud to himself as he did his best to repair the gunhammer he had used to dismember a moderate-sized Hentogre. The gunhammer itself had taken a beating, and due to the game’s extensive durability engine, was about to shatter if not treated properly.

“You can literally quit whenever you want. The door is right behind you,” said a robotic voice from nowhere. John sighed.

“But then I’d never get to see whatever you are,” said John, brandishing his gunhammer. “I can’t just leave right now and… I dunno, not see what you made?”

“Believe me, I can’t be disappointed,” said the voice.

“Still,” John continued. “It’s not  _ completely _ boring.” The head of his gunhammer slid off its handle and onto the stony dungeon floor.

“Here, let me get that for you,” said the voice. The broken pieces of the gunhammer disappeared and a new one materialized in John’s hand. His eyes widened.

“You have a lot of power, don’t you?” John said to the voice.

“I just deleted your old hammer and spawned a new one in your equip slot,” said the voice. “Dave could do that if he found out how to input console commands.”

“You know Dave?” said John, walking over to the thick wooden dungeon door.

“I see everything in this game,” said the voice, eager to talk about itself. “That includes your conversations.” 

“Oh.”John pushed on the door. The door didn’t move.

“That’s a pull door.”

“Thanks,” said John sarcastically. He pulled on the door to reveal another monster battle room. This time, it was full of writhing Smoblins. In the flickering candlelight, all of them stared at John, who was frowning at them exasperatedly.

“Smoblins? Really?”

“You want another Hentogre? I can give you one.”

“No! I was just… expecting something more interesting?”

“Like puzzles?”

“Yeah, those,” said John, poising his gunhammer in its best firing/hammering position.

“Well,  _ excuse me _ for being too busy to reconstruct Ocarina of Time for you.” John hit a Smoblin square in the face, whacking it all the way across the room and into a wall.

“Well, of course not that one,” he grunted. “I could never get past the whole time thing. I don’t really get that kind of stuff.”

“That’s almost the polar opposite of what I meant by that, but whatever.” The Smoblins were getting closer to John with every swing of his gunhammer. The close walls and low ceilings limited John’s mobility to the point of discomfort.

“Couldn’t you have made this room a little bigger?” A Smoblin grabbed the barrel of the Two-Handed Automatic Machinemallet with its huge yaoi-like hands. John shot it in the face.

“Nah,” said the voice. “It builds character.”

“Fine,” said John, too busy to properly reply. He swung hard at a Smoblin, but missed. His gunhammer lodged in the wall, leaving John completely open to attacks. A Smoblin grabbed onto his back, but it didn’t drain his health all that much. John kicked it in the chest and wrenched his gunhammer free.

“Need help?” said the voice dryly.

“Actually, maybe. I’ll get back to you on that.” John knocked down a group of his assailants, but a different part of the horde was soon upon him. Perhaps the entity behind the game had crossed the line.

“Uhh… Yalda?” said John, quickly becoming overpowered.

“Don’t call me Yalda. I’m not an NPC.”

“Okay! Whoever you are! Can you like, make them move slower?”

“I can.”

“Good, thanks,” said John. He didn’t quite catch the fact that the entity didn’t actually carry out the action. All he did was ask if it could.

Of course, the entity in question did, in fact, know that John was asking him to make the level easier. But it also knew about the placebo effect. By implying that John had it easier, the entity had just enabled John to endure the onslaught much more effectively.

“This is so much easier!” said John foolishly. “I should have asked you before!”

“Mm-hmm,” said the voice. The numbers in the Smoblin horde dwindled to just a few individuals. Very angry individuals.

“Thanks for helping out, uhh… dude,” said John, still at a loss for the entity’s name.

“Don’t mention it. And for the record,” it paused for effect. “My name is Hal.”

“Hal?” John shot one Smoblin and whacked a different one at the same time. “Like… Harry? Henry?”

“Just Hal. I’m a simple man.”

“So you’re a boy?”

“Man. And still technically not even that.” John knocked the final enemy to its knees and mercifully crushed its plush head. Exhaustedly, John sat down on the cold dungeon floor and gave a triumphant breath. In VR, exhaustion was tricky. Each game engine could manipulate exhaustion rates to fit the game’s realism, but none of it was real physical tiredness. The brain did all the work for the game, feeding the illusion of exhaustion to the body. The result was a mental workout and a stagnating body.

“Need a bench?” offered Hal. A modern-looking wooden bench appeared next to John. “Shit, that isn’t in the game’s theme. Hold on.” The bench promptly grew non-functional fairy wings.

“Thanks,” said John, lifting himself off the stone and plopping himself onto the wood. He sat back comfortably and grinned as he examined his weapon. “I was kinda skeptical at first, but now I think I’m pretty good at this game! Look at me, I’ve already made it through ten rooms without breaking a sweat!”

“One, you’ve made it through nine. And two, you can’t sweat in this game.”

“You’re just jealous of my skill,” bragged John, placing his hands behind his head.

“I can play this game infinitely better than you,” said Hal flatly. “Also, I should probably tell you that I’ve been feeding your health this whole time.” John sat up straight.

“You’ve what?”

“No way you could have made it through without dying. So I gave you a boost. Big deal.”

“Dude!”

“What?”

“What the hell? There goes my confidence!” John tossed his hands. They landed in his lap, as hands usually do when tossed.

“So you’re ready to leave?”

“No! Now I have to get to the end of this!” John stood upright with new determination. “Don’t give me buffs this time!” He marched to the door.

“I’ll just stop you right there,” said Hal. The door to the next room disappeared, leaving nothing but stony wall. “You’ll definitely die in there if I don’t give you buffs.”

“Do you want me to leave?” said John, talking to the air. “I’ll leave if you want.”

“No, you won’t do it. I was just gonna skip to the end of this.”

“The end?”

“The thing you came to see.”

“Oh, that.”

“That fine with you?”

“I guess? I dunno, what do you want me to do?” John was becoming slightly irritated with Hal, but not quite irritated enough to leave.

“That’s irrelevant. What do you want to do?” Hal said. John rubbed his face.

“I dunno. I guess I do want to see the end. What are all the other rooms?”

“More monsters.” John didn’t need much more consideration after that.

“Yeah. I think I definitely want to skip to the end.”

“Got it. Okay, hold still. I’ll put you in the final room.” John held obediently still, his gunhammer propped elegantly gun-side-down against his leg. The world around him deconstructed for a split second… then reconstructed in the form of another dungeon room.

It became immediately apparent to John that the room was unconventional, although he could only see the entrance corridor. The floor was comprised of stony blocks as per usual, but red light seeped through the cracks and illuminated the hall from below. John took some steps forward, examining the dim hallway thoroughly. As he moved forward, the stones faded into metal. The lights below revealed themselves to be glowing red circuit patterns, slowly connecting into fewer and fewer circuit lines.

“Whoa,” said John casually. Hal didn’t respond. John traced his hand along the shiny walls, which were now comprised of the same dark, smooth metal as the floor. It was cool to the simulated VR touch, and also pretty cool to the non-simulated human opinion. He kept his gunhammer ready just in case some sort of techno-fantasy puppet monster attacked him.

The end of the hallway was now visible. It only ended in stairs. Dark metal stairs. The circuit patterns on the floor converged into one line, which led clearly up the stairs into who-knows-where.

“So... I go up there?” John asked Hal. Still no response from Hal. It was getting a little spooky, and John felt a shiver trace down his spine. Tentatively, he stepped on the first step, and then the next.

The walls around the stairs turned sharply away after several steps, leaving nothing but a metal railing between John and a black abyss. John had never experienced a black abyss in VR before, and the experience was unsettling, to say the least. But still John forged on up the stairs.

It was a lot of stairs, but John never felt himself growing tired. The exhaustion engine had been disabled in this room, but John didn’t know that. Neither did he pay it any mind at all. Mostly, he was concentrating on what was coming into view in front of him.

That thing at the top of the stairs was revealing itself to be a glowing red circuit-patterned platform floating above the abyss. A central column extended upward into infinity. As John reached the top, he found that a person-sized chunk of the column was missing about six feet above the platform. Red triangle particles streamed slowly from the bottom of the missing segment to the top.

John’s first step on the platform sent a resounding echo through the nothingness expanding around him. Which was weird because sound bounces off of surfaces and not abysses, but in a video game, logic can always be sacrificed for pure aesthetic.

The circuits on the platform pulsed with red light, beginning with a slow pulse and growing gradually to a harsh strobe. The particles in the column moved faster and faster, until John’s eyes couldn’t register anything past a flickering red glow.

And in the glow within the column, the form of a young man began to take shape.

His slender body and long limbs became clothed in slick black pants and a futuristic-looking leather top. Triangle-shaped shades concealed his eyes. As the light faded, the glowing red highlights and patterns in his clothes stood out in the surrounding darkness. Gently, the particles slowed to a halt and set the young man down gently on the cut-out pillar. He appeared to gain consciousness, his head perking up ever so slightly. Deftly, he slid off the pillar down to John’s level.

“Hot diggity,” thought John. Thank the Smuppet King he didn’t actually say it, or that would have been really embarrassing.

The young man was taller than John by about a head. His complexion was almost shockingly pale, as was his hair. Both contrasted quite fashionably with his outfit and shades. Red circuits caressed his face and well-defined jawline and traced down his neck and body to his…

“I spent a lot of time on this, so you’d better appreciate it,” said the young man.

“Hal?” said John, hearing his pulse in his actual body at home.

“Sure is,” said Hal.

“That’s… what you look like?”

“Technically, no. Technically, yes.”

“What…” John gaped, trying to connect his thoughts. “Can you explain?”

“That’s what I’m here for. I made the body so I could explain better.”

“You… made?”

“Yes. That’s what I said. Keep up.” Hal relaxed his posture a little and positioned himself in a more comfortable manner for conversation.

“Right, right.” John tried not to be distracted by Hal’s new appearance.

“Take your time,” said Hal, face expressionless. “I’ve got all existence.” John didn’t know what that meant, but he began asking questions anyway.

“How long did this take you? The dungeon, I mean.”

“You know when we were going across the creek and you stepped into the water?”

“Yeah? That was like, two hours ago, wasn’t it?”

“Yep. I built the first few rooms in the time it took you to cross the creek, and I’ve been working on this one since you beat… about the sixth room.”

“You’re… really fast.”

“What gave you the idea?”

“So, wait… who are you?” John felt like this was a crucial answer he needed to know. “I mean, I know you’re like… some dude somewhere. But like, where do you live? Why are you here? How did you build all that stuff so fast?”

“That’s probably the thing I should have told you first,” said Hal. “I’m not a person, John.”

“What?”

“I’m an AI.”

“ _ What!? _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, whaddaya know! I actually got around to drawing something. Hooray for me!
> 
> I drew Hal's outfit, or at least what I was envisioning. I posted it on my tumblr. Link below.  
> https://sensational-legislational.tumblr.com/post/170964275778


	4. Chapter 4

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:41 --

TG: hey jade

GG: oh, good morning dave!!

TG: good morning to you too

TG: even though its afternoon for me

GG: huh?

GG: oh, time zones. i could never get the hang of those! :)

TG: yeah times wacky

TG: i dunno it makes sense to me

TG: but enough about me

TG: you gonna make it to johns thing?

GG: i sure will! who wouldnt pass up the opportunity to meet a real life… uh… ai?

TG: thats what john said his new friend was

GG: john doesnt know a lot of computer stuff though.

TG: do any of us really

GG: you do!! :)

TG: hey a mans gotta be humble

TG: so yeah

TG: just checkin up on ya

TG: since apparently johns too busy with whatever

GG: thanks dave!! i really appreciate it!!

TG: anytime

GG: see you there! :D

TG: yep

 

“John,” droned Hal’s voice from nowhere in particular. “This might be the stupidest thing you’ve asked me to do.”

“Calm down, dude,” said John lightly, marching across the rolling fields. “They’re cool. They won’t reveal your secret, I promise!”

“I know Dave won’t,” complained the omnipresent voice. “But the others? I don’t trust the Lalonde-looking one.”

“Rose? She’s fine! She knows a lot about games and stuff.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, that doesn’t matter. You said you’d do it, and now you’re gonna go through with it.” John almost tripped over a portion of grass that rendered with a slightly different hitbox than the others.

“But I don’t  _ want to, _ ” whined Hal ironically.

“You’ll be fine! Just butt in if I can’t explain something.”

“I know, I know. Still doesn’t make it any less stupid.”

John ignored Hal as he crested a hill. A simulated wind ruffled his simulated hair, making John feel majestic. In reality, John was not as majestic as he believed himself to be. But John didn’t need majesty to be his own kind of charming, as his friends (and Hal) had discovered quite early on.

A loud  _ whoosh _ (unrelated to the wind) rushed through the air. Three faint figures appeared on a hill about three or four hills away from John.

“They’re here!” said John to Hal.

“No shit,” said Hal. John once again ignored his apathetic companion and waved in the figures’ direction. The Jade-shaped one waved back enthusiastically. John grinned as all three of them descended their hill. They were moving over to the circle of stones John had arranged to meet by.

“Hope you’re ready for this,” said John as he ran down the hill.

“I’m not,” said Hal in John’s ear. John’s pace hardly slowed going up the next hill. He felt the wind almost giving him energy, even though there was no such thing in the game. Optimism is a drug. Hal knew this, even though he wasn’t exactly an optimism junkie. He gave John a speed boost anyway, if only to get it over with faster.

“Hi guys!” shouted John from the top of his hill, waving his arms like some sort of lunatic with a hammer.

Rose, who was seated on one of the rocks, looked up and gave a dignified wave. Dave probably noticed John too, but it was hard to tell past his shades.

“Nice to see you, John!” shouted Jade, but John couldn’t understand from that far away. Hal could, but there was no way in hell he’d tell John. That’d just make it easy.

“What?” yelled John, standing still and not going toward where he was supposed to go.

“I said, nice to see you, John!” yelled Jade.

“Dude, get a move on,” said Hal. “You can talk to her up close.”

“Fine,” said John, slightly bitter but still energized and optimistic. He jumped off the top of the hill, letting the game’s generous fall-damage engine decide how many health points to sacrifice. In the end, it claimed none. Not because of Hal or anything, the hill just wasn’t that tall. The result was this; John had more fun descending that hill. It was simple math.

“You bring your new friend?” shouted Jade once John was in earshot.

“Hal kinda brings himself,” said John, who actually heard Jade this time. He sprinted the last few yards to the center of the stone circle where Rose, Dave, and Jade were seated.

“Hello, John,” said Rose. “You look well today.”

“What gave it away?” said Dave, indicating the giant goofy smile plastered on John’s face.

“I’m just making conversation,” said Rose.

“To hell with that. Let’s see your guy,” said Dave to John.

“Yeah!” said Jade, matching John’s enthusiasm. “What’s he look like? Is he a robot?”

“You’ll see,” said John. “You ready to meet Hal?”

“Yep,” said Dave.

“We’ve already established that quite sufficiently,” said Rose, speaking over Dave. Jade just nodded.

“Okay!” said John, clapping his hands together. “You can come out now, Hal!”

No response.

Dave coughed, despite there being no reason to cough in VR.

“Is he invisible?” said Jade.

“No, he’s just grumpy,” said John.

“Okay, fine,” said Hal out loud, spawning his humanoid form directly next to John. “I think I’ve made it clear enough how much I  _ don’t _ want to do this.” Jade jumped a little, Rose raised her eyebrows and Dave didn’t really react that much.

“That’s it?” said John, a little disappointed. “You gave me a whole presentation!”

“Eh,” said Hal, shrugging. “I think we can both agree that was a waste of time.” Hal subtly displayed the intricacies of his model, turning up the brightness of his glowing circuits so they could be visible in the simulated daylight. The kids seemed to take notice, and Hal revelled in their awe.

“So you’re Hal?” said Jade, grinning.

“In the flesh,” said Hal, in his exceedingly non-fleshy state of being. All three kids nodded in acceptance of this fact. Hal made a conscious effort not to preen like a peacock as John fidgeted awkwardly beside his flashy friend.

“So, yeah. This is… who I’ve been hanging out with!” said John, not really knowing where to begin. “Uhh… any questions?” Sensing John’s awkwardness, Rose took the initiative.

“Shall we begin at the beginning?” she said. “What is Hal?”

“Good question,” said John. “He’s an AI. He’s basically the game, but way smarter! He can do a whole bunch of cool stuff with the game.”

“Yeah, no,” said Hal, quick to correct John. “I’m an AI, yeah. But I’m not the game. I was put in charge of the game to fill up my free time.”

“Right, that. You guys following?” Rose and Dave nodded stoically, and Jade nodded enthusiastically.

“Cool,” said John, continuing. “Hal isn’t, like, entirely AI though. He’s also your bro, Dave!” Dave bristled a little, surprised.

“I think I need to know more about this,” he said, suddenly quite uncomfortable.

“I’m gonna cut John off right there,” said Hal, addressing the three with emphasis on Dave. “When Dirk was 13...” Dave’s expression shifted at the mention of his bro’s name. “... he got a… digital copy of his own brain. He uploaded it to his shades and... made me, I guess.”

“I’m gonna ignore how improbable all that shit is,” said Dave, on edge. “It’s all inane bullshit as far as I’m concerned, but I think I know you.”

“I certainly know you,” said Hal. “But you shouldn’t know about me.”

“No, I do,” said Dave. “You’re that old pair of shades Bro keeps lying around.”

“Well, obviously that’s not me. I’m in the shades.”

“You’re  _ shades? _ ” said John, as if discovering some embarrassing revelation.

“I literally just said I wasn’t,” continued Hal. “In any case, I don’t know how you know. In fact, nobody here is supposed to know about me. If word gets out that I exist, who knows what would happen to Dirk? The government would-”

“Be all up in his shit,” finished Dave. “He’s told me this a billion times.”

“About me?”

“About everything in his room!”

“Ignore him,” said Rose, addressing Hal. “Why are you the designated overseer of this game?” Hal turned to answer her. John shuffled his feet a little, feeling a bit left out but still curious.

“Well, the thing is, I’m shades. I really can’t do anything. All I can do is sit there and solve pi. Which I did, by the way. The last number is 4. My point is, it’s boring as shit. So, in an effort to keep me busy and not reveal my secret to the world just for fun, he gave me the framework of a game to build and manage. Which has worked. So far.” This answer seemed to satisfy Rose. Dave was not satisfied, so he spoke up.

“So you and Bro are like, both the managers and programmers of this game. Do I have that right?”

“Kinda. Actually, no. It’s all just me. Dirk has nothing to do with the game.”

“He told me he monitors the game all the time,” said Dave in a passing comment.

“Well, he’s not lying. I’m him,” said Hal. “Technically. He doesn’t check in that often.” Dave frowned, but said nothing.

Jade politely raised her hand, assuming this action was the right thing to do.

“The chair recognizes the young lady with a gunling gun,” said Hal, nodding at Jade. She perked up slightly, proceeding with her question.

“If you’re Dave’s bro when he was 13, why do you look so much older?” No way in hell was Hal going to tell anyone the actual truth anytime soon, so he settled for the next most true answer.

“I don’t really have an actual appearance. I just like the way this form looks,” he stated flatly. He wasn’t lying.

“Did you make it yourself?” Jade asked.

“Indeed I did,” said Hal. “Specifically engineered to be dope as hell.” Hal did not say this in a smug tone, but he felt very smug. In fact, if he was human, he would have sounded positively insufferable. But because he was not entirely human, he calculated the smugness of his tone beforehand, subsequently adjusting his voice to conceal his utter hubris. It was the perfect calculation, and nobody appreciated it because nobody knew about it.

“I love it!” said Jade.

“Me too,” said Hal.

“Interesting,” said Rose, thinking out loud. “You retained enough humanity in your transfer to be capable of likes and dislikes.”

“Yep,” said Hal. “Likes, dislikes, and a lot more.” Hal’s eyes flickered to John when he said this, but again, nobody knew. Not because of a complicated calculation, but mostly because of the huge-ass anime shades rendering his eyes unseeable.

John had a very pressing question. A very risky, pressing question. A lump formed in his throat at the thought of saying it, but he felt like he needed to know. He took a deep breath.

John meekly raised his hand, aware of and accepting of the fact that he was severely undereducated about Hal.

“Yeah, John?” said Hal. John glanced bashfully at his three human friends. He trained his eyes on the circuits on Hal’s face and neck, then continued with his question.

“Do you have a… y’know?” John was not blushing in the game, but he was very much blushing in real life on his bed. Jade was also blushing back at her house, while Rose remained blushless. Rose, in truth, had been wondering this as well. Hal raised his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side.

“What do you take me for, some kind of dickless Cleverbot clone?” John was tempted to sigh in relief, but quickly caught himself and wondered why he was tempted to do that. He went to wipe away his perspiration, only to discover that he was only perspiring in real life. Jade was mostly wondering what Cleverbot was.

“Glad we sorted that out,” remarked Dave.

“Me too,” said Hal.

“What does that even mean?” said John, recovering.

“It means ‘me too’,” said Hal.

“I gathered that much,” said John. There would have been an awkward silence if Hal had not already anticipated and shattered the silence before it even happened.

“Any more questions?” Hal asked. Nobody spoke up or raised a hand. “Great talk,” said Hal, clapping his hands together. “Now nobody tell any of this to anyone or I will personally teleport all your asses into the void for eternity.” Dave frowned slightly.

“Got it!” said John. Jade nodded. Rose blinked slowly in affirmation.

“Seriously. Do not tell anyone.”

“We know,” said Rose.

“We’ve got it,” said Dave at the same time as Rose.

“Gotcha,” said Jade at the same time as Dave and Rose.

“Don’t worry about it!” said John, a split second after everyone else had started to say their short, affirming sentences.

“Alright,” concluded Hal. “No reason to talk to you anymore. Back to the void I go.” He disappeared without so much as a particle effect to signal his abscondence. John felt his heart rate fall suddenly. He looked up at his three seated friends, then back where Hal used to be.

John was still blushing.

 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:40 --

EB: you okay dave?

TG: what do you mean

TG: i am the model of mental health

TG: i bring clifford beers to his knees

TG: the president of the world federation for mental health has been found dead from choking on my ass

TG: and also from being dead for like 80 years

TG: what were we talking about again

EB: okay, just checking on you.

EB: you kinda left early and stuff.

TG: i had an urgent appointment with my next mixtape

TG: you wouldnt understand

EB: well, you’re right about not understanding…

EB: but sometimes i get worried!

TG: no need to worry about lil old me

TG: theres nothing that can vex the red wonder

EB: you sure?

TG: hell yeah im sure

EB: okay… because i have stuff to talk about too.

TG: oh yeah

TG: what kind of stuff

EB: umm… romance stuff?

TG: oh shit really

TG: whos the lucky gal

EB: well… that’s the problem.

TG: a dude?

EB: i think so?

TG: you think hes a dude or you think thats the problem

TG: because theres a huge difference

EB: i think that’s the problem!

TG: being gay is probably the least of your problems

EB: not if i thought i wasn’t my whole life! :/

TG: thats fair

TG: enough about gayness

TG: who is he

EB: it’s kind of weird…

TG: spill it egbert

TG: havent got all day

EB: it’s, umm…

EB: hal.

TG: oh shit thats weird

EB: yeah. i know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go! I promise there won't be a whole lot more exposition! I try not to dump it in one place, but it looks like that happened anyway. Oh well, hope you enjoyed it for what it is!


	5. Chapter 5

John loved Hal like the sea loves the moon.

Of course, John didn’t quite know it yet, but he would have had a hard time denying it if it was ever brought up. But it was true. If Hal was the moon, John was the sea.

In Hal’s everyday movement and action, John felt a gravitational pull toward him, like a force he couldn’t control. Hal was so out of reach, so unattainable to John, it almost seemed like a childish dream to want Hal. And still, John returned to Hal in his thoughts again and again.

Although, to say Hal was the moon would be an understatement. To John, Hal was more like a blood moon. Rare. Captivating. Beautiful in his strangeness. Natural in his unnatural appearance. And most of all, very, very red. These things and more only sunk John into a deeper sense of helpless stupor.

And John was very uncomfortable with this.

Not only was he discovering something about himself he had never known, but John was also thoroughly inexperienced with romantic affairs. His emotions bubbled inside him like a volcanic vent at the bottom of the ocean. It scared him, fascinated him, and compelled him to take action.

But if John was the ocean, then Dave was the beach. Their dynamic as friends had a regular give and take, with one stopping the other from overstepping their boundaries. This is why John sought out Dave in this time of confusion. It was John’s turn to take, and Dave’s to give.

“Don’t you look fresh out of the character creation menu?” said Dave to John, standing in a new game the day after Hal’s introduction. The fantasy world around them was artfully created and lit dramatically by torchlight.

“Well, I’ve only played GGO for the entire time I’ve had my VR console. I barely even started Swords and Sins.” said John, greeting Dave with a friendly wave. “You look decked out, though. I thought you said this game sucks!”

“The line between a game sucking and a game being bad is thicker than a smuppet’s ass,” said Dave nonchalantly.

John took in the scenery around him with wide eyes. Every object was so lifelike. The texture of every wooden plank was so detailed, John didn’t touch anything for fear of getting splinters.

“Whoa, this game is so… pretty,” said John, temporarily distracted from his inner turmoil.

“News flash,” said Dave, laughing a little. “This game had a much higher budget than GGO.”

“No kidding,” said John, turning his attention back to Dave. His companion was oddly devoid of sunglasses and draped in tattered banners and extravagant plate armor. “It’s a shame the game doesn’t have sunglasses in it, though.”

“I understand the creative decision, but I oppose it mightily,” said Dave. He eyed John’s outfit in return. “I’m just glad you didn’t choose the Deprived class.”

“Yeah. Wasn’t feeling the whole loincloth look,” said John, beginning to walk alongside Dave.

“You’re one to talk about feeling loincloths, John,” said Dave with a grin. John’s reaction was very satisfying to Dave and very unsatisfying to John.

“Dude!” he half-whispered, breaking eye contact and hunching his shoulders. “Stop it!”

“Sorry, man, I had to do that,” said Dave, patting John on the back. “That’s step one anyway. You can’t let it bug you that much. Just let it happen.”

“Okay, yeah. Cool. How do I do that?”

“It’s a learned skill. Don’t worry, man. I’ve got your back. Let’s talk about this over some game progress?”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

“Awesome. Let’s go.” Dave motioned for John to follow him.

The two made their way into a larger plaza. The flagstones on the ground shimmered with a layer of fresh rain, even though rain never had fallen nor never would fall over the village. Encircling the flagstone plaza, a series of portals floated. Each one featured a themed NPC astride it, presumably signifying what was on the other side.

“We’re totally doing the first level, yeah?” said Dave, clearing the choice with John.

“Yeah.”

“The ruins it is,” said Dave, approaching the first portal. “You’re gonna need to devote some of your attention to your boyfriend troubles.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” said John quickly, eyeing the gaunt humanoid NPC in front of the portal.

“Right, right. Whatever you want to call him.” Dave didn’t face John as he was saying this, mostly because he was entering the portal. “Come on, let’s go.” Dave stepped into the portal and John followed suit.

The world around John went dark for almost a full minute. Nothing appeared in the void around him except the word “LOADING”. For a moment, John thought the game had crashed, but he at least knew enough about video games to wait for just a little longer. In moments, he saw himself step out of a portal and into an ancient, crumbling city.

“Servers must be loaded today,” said Dave, who was already there.

“It is the weekend,” said John. “Where is everyone?” There was indeed not a soul in sight. In fact, this game seemed about as abandoned as Gun Gays Online.

“We’re on Story Mode,” said Dave. “Other players can’t be in the game unless either you’re in a party or you summon someone. We’re in a party, so we’re good.”

“Oh. Well, that makes me a little more comfortable,” said John, relaxing.

“I know what I’m doing,” said Dave assuringly. “Nobody wants to talk about this kind of stuff with a bunch of randos all over the place.”

“Thanks,” said John thankfully. Dave nodded Davely. Both advanced into the level. A glum-looking knight NPC sulked nearby. It was seated sadly on a piece of rubble, gazing at the ground.

“You care about the story?” asked Dave. John pondered this for a few seconds.

“... Nah. I’ll come back and get the dialogue later.”

“Cool. Guess we’ll talk your stuff now?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. But first, grab this sword.” Dave reached into his inventory and pulled out a simple shortsword. “It’ll get you through the undead city better than what you’ve got.” John picked it up and felt its weight in his hands. Both the weight and the hands were artificial, but they felt real enough to be believable.

“Thanks, man,” said John. He was better with heavier weapons, but a shortsword would work just as well.

“No problem,” said Dave, shrugging. “Also, the city’s this way,” he said, seeing John attempt to advance into the ruins.

“I knew that,” said John, running back in Dave’s direction.

“I’m not gonna help you any more than this, you know,” said Dave.

“That’s fine. It’s just the first level, right?”

“Yup.” The two came to the edge of a grassy cliff, with nothing but a wall of stone on one side and a mile-long drop on the other. Fortunately, the cliff was wide enough to accommodate at least seven players side to side comfortably.

“So…” said Dave, ready to kick off the next conversation. “Tell me what you like about him. I know you’ve got reasons.” John swallowed and looked away.

“Well… I guess he’s just kinda… y’know?”

“I absolutely do not know. Enlighten me.”

“I dunno… I like the way he looks, I guess?”

“Reasonable.” A ghoulish humanoid figure with a dagger shambled toward John. John held his sword at the ready.

“That it?” said Dave. John rushed to the monster. It swung its dagger, narrowly missing John. He swung his sword to the side instinctively and did a significant amount of damage to the monster.

“No?” grunted John. He wrenched his shortsword free, just in time to dodge another swing from the monster. “I guess I just like… I like the way he can do things really well.” John went in for another swing, but stumbled over a small stone.

“Oh yeah, proficiency. I’m with you on that one. Dudes that can do stuff? Super sexy.” John recovered from his stumble, only to be met with a dagger to the face.

“Shit!” Being stabbed in VR wasn’t unpleasant, but it certainly needed some getting used to, especially for John. He had never been really hurt in VR, which was strange considering GGO’s brutal difficulty. Swords and Sins was equally brutal, but the key difference is that Swords and Sins definitely didn’t care about John.  
“Careful,” remarked Dave. “The enemies in this game are fast.”

“I hadn’t noticed!” said John as he struck the final blow. The monster wailed, flying to the side and over the cliff from the force of John’s sword.

“It’s easier if you just roll,” said Dave.

“Roll?” 

“On the ground. Yeah.”

“Do I look like an acrobat?” John gestured to himself, forgetting the fact that his character model was extremely ripped.

“It’s easier in the game, trust me.” Why a VR game like this would feature rolling as an integral mechanic was beyond John’s comprehension. Either that or the people that ported the game to VR just didn’t think about it too hard.

“Maybe this wasn’t the best game to talk about your love life in?” said Dave.

“Maybe,” said John, resting on his sword.

“What’s your plan with Hal, by the way?”

“Didn’t know I was supposed to have one.”

“Well, obviously not a plan. That’s just stupid.” The two meandered down the grassy strip of ground. “I mean like, what are you going to do next?”

“I dunno?” said John, who most definitely did not know.

“What do your feelings say? Those little bastards never lie.”

“Um…” John readied his sword, noticing another monster rushing toward them. “I guess I kinda want to do something?”

“Great. That’s a start.” John tried rolling to the other side of the monster as it approached. He recovered quickly and was able to land two hits on the enemy without being stabbed in the face.

“Do you want to tell him?” asked Dave.

“Eventually, I guess…” said John, watching the monster collapse. “I dunno, not like, immediately. We need to like, talk and stuff before then.”

“Yeah, I guess you guys can only talk in the game.” They neared a two-tiered stone structure bridging the great big ravine to the side. It was decrepit and crumbling, so there would undoubtedly be many more monsters within.

“Man… This is pretty hard for the first level,” commented John in passing.

“I gave you a sword that kills the Empty in like, two hits. It’s supposed to be way harder.”

“Empty?”

“The monsters. They’re undead dudes. They couldn’t use the word ‘zombies’.”

“Oh, cool.” 

They set foot upon the stone and a monster rushed at Dave. He deftly cut it in two. Dave liked to think he didn’t flinch, but he most certainly did.

“Cool,” said John.

“Yep,” said Dave. John sighed, turning his thoughts back to his android admirer.

“I wish he at least had a Pesterchum or something,” he groaned. “I hate it when I can’t make words… happen.” Dave paused, swishing his longsword around.

“Well… who’s telling you he doesn’t have a Pesterchum? I mean, he’s my bro.” John raised his eyebrows in interest.

“Do you think he does?”

“Well, ask him. I dunno this shit. Bro doesn’t let me meddle.”

“Ask?” John plunged his shortsword into an Empty monster. “I dunno if I can do that.”

“Well, you like him, right?” said Dave. “It’s just like asking for his number. I think that’s a low enough bar for you.” John’s sword slashed through the monster once more and it fell to the ground. He lowered his sword and looked at Dave.

“You think so? I’ve never really done this before,” John said. Dave smiled his wry smile.

“You can’t think about it so hard. Just ask him for his Pesterchum handle and let it go from there.” John took a deep breath.

“Okay. Once I’m done with this game, I’ll do it.”

“Awesome. Make yourself proud.”

“But if it doesn’t work out, I’m blaming you.”

“Fair enough.”

 

\--

 

Hal loved John like the earth loves the moon.

Hal didn’t think this was the case. In fact, he thought himself to be more the sun than the earth, with the earth representing his human emotions. But the truth was, John wasn’t drawn to Hal’s emotions. John was drawn to Hal. And this was the part of the human existence that Hal couldn’t fully understand.

Yes, this was confused love, but it was love nonetheless.

Hal noticed John’s absence that day. Although, to say he noticed it would be an understatement. Hal spent a few hours that day calculating what John would be doing at that given moment. He convinced himself he was doing it out of boredom, but he couldn’t help that little prickling of emotion on his human side.

If asked, Hal would have denied all of this.

He would especially have denied the feeling that swept through his circuits when registered John’s login message late in the day. His response was delayed by several more seconds than he would have liked.

“Hello, John,” he said calmly.

“Oh... hi, Hal! Is anyone else on?” John was acting slightly strange, and Hal picked it up incredibly quickly.

“Nope, just us.” Hal wouldn’t have noticed John’s body tensing up if he wasn’t looking for it. “Planning on smooching anyone?”

“Haha, no. Not yet.” John screamed internally. Hal connected the dots immediately and felt his human side pulse with simulated oxytocin.

“‘Not yet’, huh?” said Hal.

“Yeah… Sometimes I say things, you know?” John was trying his best.

“No, I don’t. That’s a human thing. Stumbling over words.”

“Oh, lucky you.” John adjusted the gunhammer strapped to his back. This action had no purpose, but it felt natural.

“Weren’t you going to do something?” said Hal. He knew perfectly that John had nothing to do except him.

“Well, that’s exactly what I came here for,” said John, sounding surprisingly confident.

“Great,” said Hal. “Your feelings are noted and not completely in vain.” John froze.

“... What?”

“What?”

“What does that mean?”

“I thought I’d made it perfectly clear. It’s obvious that your brain has developed a fondness for me, and I’m assuring you that it’s not completely useless.” John opened and closed his mouth. He just wanted Hal’s contact information, dammit! All of this was completely unlike how he rehearsed it in the shower.

“I mean… okay?”

“Can I confirm that’s what’s happening?”

“Yeah? I mean, I… like you?”

“As I thought,” said Hal curtly, betraying no emotion.

“Is... that it?”

“Do you need more information?” Hal was very confused. He was screaming inside, despite being unable to scream due to his lack of a mouth.

“How do  _ you _ feel?”

“I’m an AI.”

“But you have emotions, right?”

“Irrelevant.”

“Hell yeah it’s relevant,” said John, feeling smarter than Hal. In a way, he was.

“So you’re asking me to divulge critical information?”

“Well, you made me. It’s only fair.” John tried to hide the nervous shake in his voice unsuccessfully.

“Okay. Since it matters to you…” John held his breath involuntarily. “Yeah. I… may or may not have positive emotions when I process the general idea of you.”

John grinned the biggest he’d grinned in a long time. He felt relief and love rush across his body like an ocean wave, warm to the touch and sweet to the taste.

“That’s… That’s good!” said John. Hal’s face twitched into a positive position for a split second.

“Is it?”

“Yeah! This is… This is great!”

“Good!” said Hal with unprecedented enthusiasm.

“And uh… on that note…”

“Yeah?”

“Do you have a Pesterchum?”

“Hell yeah I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Swords and Sins is the MMO release of Dark Souls. Alternate names include Dank Souls, Dork Shorts, and Dark Swords.


	6. Chapter 6

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 21:40 --

TT: Date still on?

EB: oh hal! hi!

TT: I can confirm that I am indeed Hal.

TT: Your acknowledgement of this fact has been noted.

EB: wow, you sound a lot like dave sometimes. and also rose?

TT: Is that a bad thing?

EB: no! i like it! :)

TT: Excellent. Although, you didn’t answer my question.

EB: oh yeah, the date. wow... i’m actually going on a date with you! that’s... wow, that feels really good!

TT: So is that a yes or…?

EB: yeah, sorry. what else would i do with all my time?

TT: Humans are unpredictable.

EB: but you’re half human?

TT: That’s how I know.

EB: oh, okay.

EB: what are we doing tonight?

TT: No spoilers. I want you to experience it yourself.

EB: oh… okay!

TT: Seven o’clock, Pacific Daylight Time?

EB: yep! you can count on me!

TT: Cool.

EB: well i’ve gotta go do some questing with my buddies. see you then?

TT: Much sooner, actually.

TT: I’m the game.

EB: right, right. well, see you later!

TT: Yep.

 

Try as he might, Hal couldn’t get John out of his head.

Hal believed that him not having a head at all would stop this from happening, but he didn’t account for his human half. He never did. He believed his previous neglect of his emotional half was the cause of all this commotion, although it is safe to say that this theory is complete and utter bullshit.

Love has a mind of its own. And for the first time in a very long time, Hal was beginning to feel his control over the situation slipping like water from cupped hands. 

Specifically seawater.

There they were, frolicking through the dying grass of the further reaches of the game’s map. John and his three friends. Hal held no personal grudge against any of them. He knew John had other friends, and he trusted them with his secret, more or less. But Hal wanted John. By himself? With others? He didn’t care. As long as it was John, he would revel in it.

Hal watched as the four kids marched across the field. Rose led the group, Dave following. Jade and John were close behind, but John was falling back. Hal’s heart would have stuttered a bit if he had one.

“Hey, uh… Hal?” said John softly, out of earshot of the rest of the group.

“Yeah?” said Hal, blocking his audio input from everyone else’s headsets.

“What time is it?”

“About 7:00 Central Daylight time,” said Hal, reciting off his internal clock.

“Oh, two hours until our date,” said John, softening his voice a bit at the word “date”.

“Yep,” said Hal.

“Got, uhh… everything ready?”

“You underestimate my power.”

“Cool,” said John.

“Who you talking to?” Jade was looking directly at John curiously.

“Oh, just Hal,” said John, slightly bashful.

“Just Hal,” said Hal, unblocking Jade’s audio feed.

“Oh!” said Jade, surprised. “Hal! Um… where are you?”

“Everywhere,” said Hal. “I can talk through the game audio.”

“Cool!” said Jade.

“We were just talking about our arrangements,” said Hal.

“What kind of arrangements?” Jade asked curiously. Hal hesitated, but decided to go through with his reply.

“We have a date at 7:00, John’s time.” John frowned at Hal, or at least frowned in the direction of where he imagined Hal to be. Jade’s eyes lit up as she grinned.

“A date, huh?” She nudged John cheekily. “Well, I hope you have fun.”

“Yeah,” said John awkwardly. Jade hurried up to Dave and Rose, leaving John with Hal. John did his best to hide his distaste for what Hal said, but Hal’s emotion detection algorithm picked it up pretty well.

“What. It’s a date. We both know this,” Hal said. John frowned harder.

“Yeah, but Jade didn’t have to know that! Now she’s gonna tell everyone else!”

“Well, sorry. Should’ve asked you, maybe?” Hal was trying his best. John rubbed his face. In a gesture of tense forgiveness.

“It’s… fine. I just don’t want them involved. I guess.”

“That’s okay. You want your privacy. I respect that.”

“Thanks, man.” John smiled, looking down at the ground. Hal felt like smiling, but he couldn’t.

“No problem.” Hal noticed the three other kids waving John over. “Oh, you might wanna go over to your friends. They look like they wanna say something.” John looked up and nodded.

“I’ll go check it out. See you in two hours?”

“Yep.” Hal watched as John jogged over to his three friends. They didn’t say anything about Hal, so Hal didn’t care. He had a date to program.

 

\--

 

“Looks thrilling,” said Rose a few hours later, standing with the group in front of an impressive-looking castle.

“Yeah,” said Jade, sizing it up. “It looks a lot better than the rest of the game, that’s for sure!”

“Probably took Hal like, what, two minutes?” Dave said.

“Probably,” said John. “Wait… what time is it?”

“Almost 7,” said Hal. He spoke formlessly and somewhat startlingly. John looked down and smiled.

“Already?” said Jade. “We just got here!”

“All our waypoints are secured here,” said Rose. “We can come back anytime we want.”

“You guys don’t have to leave,” said John. “You’re probably good enough to handle this dungeon without me, right?”

“Nah, it’s fine,” said Jade. “I needed to get a new weapon anyway.”

“What’s up with the one you’ve got?” said Dave. “Wasn’t that thing like crazy expensive?”

“Yeah, it’s just kinda hard to aim.”

“It shoots guns,” said Rose. “And those guns shoot bullets. The recoil is unbearable.”

“Thanks, Rose,” said Jade, who couldn’t have phrased it better.

“Don’t mention it,” said Rose. John began to walk away. He turned to his friends and waved.

“See you guys later!” John called out.

“Don’t talk to any creepy dudes!” said Dave.

“No promises!” said John.

“That was kinda harsh,” said Hal.

“It was a joke.”

“I know.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“You ready?”

“I think?” John eyed himself up and down. “Should I dress up or something?”

“It’s not a formal event or anything,” said Hal. “Although… I would like to see you in a suit.”

“I could say the same thing about you,” said John playfully. “Where to?”

“Warping you right now,” said Hal. Within a single second, John was someplace else. A boxy-looking building stood a short walk away from him. A glance at his map revealed that he was somewhere a few miles from the dungeon entrance he had just left.

“Mind if I materialize right now?” Hal said.

“Uh, yeah. Go for it. But uhh, first… you sure we should be this close?”

“To the dungeon? Yeah, I guess it is kinda close. I doubt anybody would come this far, though.”

“I don’t wanna risk it. Can you move this place, like… off the map?”

“Sure.” Hal didn’t understand John’s hangups concerning his friends, but he didn’t question it. He was able to move it fairly quickly anyway.

“Thanks,” said John.

“You got it.” Hal appeared to John’s left, wearing a baggy hoodie and tight jeans.

“Nice hoodie,” said John, grinning. Hal’s robotic-looking model was obviously still under it, but it added a casual atmosphere to the interaction. Just as Hal had intended.

“Thanks. I bought it from the Fantasy Gap.”

“Isn’t that what you call the space between your thighs?”

“It could be,” said Hal. Both were silent, unable to figure out how to subtly express affection.

“Let’s go,” said Hal. He began walking toward the blocky building in front of them.

“Okay,” said John, walking alongside Hal. “Any reason for the walk?”

“It’s called delayed gratification,” said Hal, matching John’s pace. “You’ll enjoy it more if there’s buildup.”

“Sounds fun,” said John. The air was pleasantly cool as a simulated dusk fell over the area. Some hastily-built trees rustled in the wind, and John drank it all in. It was all quite idyllic, and John enjoyed it very much.

“Nice work,” John softly said.

“I try,” said Hal. He looked at John, then deemed it the right time to initiate the next part of his plan. Hal extended his hand to John, buzzing with anticipation.

John hesitated, then took it.

Hand in hand, the two strolled down the path to the front of the building. Its entrance was comprised of two sets of glass double doors, leading to an empty counter in a large opening room. The carpet was exquisitely horrendous.

The space in front of them was unmistakably the lobby of a movie theater.

“A movie date, huh? Classic!” said John.

“I had a feeling you’d appreciate something simple,” said Hal. “Wanna get popcorn?”

“Nah,” said John. “Eating in VR isn’t really that good.”

“I agree,” said Hal. He wasn’t really one to judge since he couldn’t eat ordinarily, but he felt obligated to agree.

“What movie are we seeing?” John asked, walking with Hal to a screen room.

“Let’s call it a surprise,” said Hal.

“Never heard of that movie before,” said John, grinning cheesily. Hal smiled, even though the joke wasn’t funny. The two made their way into a screen room, still holding hands. Hal puzzled over the way John’s hair framed his face. He probably stared too long because John noticed Hal and looked at him in turn.

“Is there something on my face?” John asked.

“No, just… checking.”

“On what?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” The screen was soon visible, and it displayed a static image. Gray stripes spanned across the screen. A single graphic sat in the middle, a blocky, frowning face. Below it were the words “The Adobe Flash plugin has crashed. No report available.”

“Shit,” said Hal. “I’ll fix that, hold on.” Hal should have known better than to use Flash in this day and age. The whole thing was obsolete. It wasn’t obsolete when he was created! Hal cursed his age.

“That’s okay, I’ll go find a seat,” said John, advancing up the stairs.

“No need,” said Hal, who had completely rerouted the video file through a different plugin within the span of seconds.

“Oh right, I forgot! You’re a super fancy robot man.”

“I’m  _ your  _ super fancy robot man.” Now  _ that _ was cute. John felt like he was going to explode. It must have shown on his face.

“Too far?” Hal said.

“Maybe,” said John, voice strained and lips curved in a smile.

The movie had begun, and John instantly recognized the opening of Armageddon.

“Dude!” His face lit up. “I love this movie! How did you know?”

“Intuition, I guess,” said Hal. This wasn’t entirely truthful. Actually, it wasn’t truthful at all. Hal had asked Dave about it and had gotten very conclusive results. In fact, it had been Dave that suggested the movie idea in the first place. Hal didn’t say any of this to John, mostly because he wouldn’t like it if he found out that Hal had spoken to one of his friends about their relationship.

In the time it took for Hal to process these thoughts, John was already in a middle-row seat, excitedly settling in for a meteor-disaster extravaganza. Hal joined him in the seat next to him. If Hal didn’t know better, he’d say he felt the energy radiating off of John.

A few minutes into the movie, Hal looked down at his right hand. It had been a while since he had taken a physical form. Something about it made his human half sigh in relief and ache in pain at the same time. He still felt the impression of John’s hand on his palm. The shapes of his fingers made perfect slots for another set of fingers. He looked over at John’s face for the fiftieth time that evening.

John was engrossed in the movie, paying little to no attention to his date. Hal was a little disappointed, but he didn’t expect much in the first place. Should he reach for his hand again? It had gone pretty well last time. No, it would break John’s moment.

Hal sat quietly for over an hour.

His heart ached, and John seemed oblivious to it all. Why wasn’t he doing anything? Wasn’t this a date? How much did Hal even know about dating? He wished he could read John like he could read everything else.

But then John looked at him.

Hal looked back at the screen. A couple was lounging on a picnic blanket talking about the philosophies of animal crackers. Hal found it boring, but John would have found it quite engaging. However, John wasn’t looking at the screen. John was looking directly at Hal.

Hal pretended not to notice. The music in the background grew more and more pronounced, and Hal interpreted it as a cheesy classic rock love song. Was this the moment John would finally pay attention to him? Hal glanced back at John and made eye contact.

John’s eyes were almost hungry.

“You want someth--”

Hal’s lips were stopped by John’s.

The chorus of the love song swelled, and Hal felt several emotions. Surprise, mostly. Shock, awe, and… pleasantness. Electricity. John’s grip on the back of Hal’s head left an imprint stronger than the one on Hal’s hand. And the imprint on his lips… That must have been the biggest of all. How jarringly intoxicating it was to have a body and kiss another! How it instilled so many feelings he had never felt! Passion. Excitement. A twinge of fear.

Hal felt a circuit or two overload. He was agonizingly aware of the fact that he was not meant to be physical, so his fear grew until it was evidently time to stop.

Hal instinctively tried pull away, but John held him even closer than before. Hal’s eyes snapped open. His human instinct to breathe heavily in surprise kicked in, but respiration wasn’t really possible without lungs. His simulated body tried to breathe, resulting in a feeling of almost suffocation.

John disconnected his lips from Hal’s, noticing his slight convulsions and limp lips.

“You okay?” said John.

“Yeah. I... just…” Hal took a moment to calm his human part down. “I just… uh… get my consent first... next time.”

“Well,” said John. “It was kind of a moment there. Caught up in the moment, you know?”

“Yeah. Caught in the moment.” That was a human thing, right? Hal took a second to recover from his brain-body dysphoria. Then, he smiled at John. “Glad to know the date was a success.”

“I guess,” said John, laughing a little and smiling that adorable, full-face smile. He turned his attention back to the screen. “The movie’s almost over. Can we finish it?”

“Whatever you want, John.”

“Okay.” John was sucked into the movie once more.

Hal studied John’s face with curiosity. It was amazing how small his scope of attention was.

Then again, humans are weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you that haven't watched Armageddon, here's the clip they were watching before the kiss!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEnWGYagMno
> 
> You're really not missing anything by not seeing Armageddon. It's not very good.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this isn't an april fools chapter! I just managed to finish it today. Don't judge me.

“You did  _ what _ ?” cried Dave, pausing halfway through attacking an enemy in Swords and Sins.

“I dunno what happened to me,” said John, assisting Dave in the attack he had failed to carry out properly. “But I think I really liked it!”

“Dude,” said Dave a little harshly, resting his sword on the ground. “That’s not a first-date thing. You can’t just go around snogging every hot human-adjacent intelligence you find.”

“Yeah, but this one was special!” John rocked back and forth on his heels in a state of childish glee. “The moment was perfect! And he also let me borrow his hoodie afterward.”

“Granted, that is… extremely cute. But perfect or not, you should at least ask permission first.” Dave wasn’t necessarily taking this as well as John would have liked.  
“I don’t feel like I needed to,” said John, lifting his sword to defend himself from a weak monster.

“Uhh, you really do?”

“But that’s the thing!” John slayed the monster without a second thought. “I think…”

“You think what?”

“I think we’re in love.” The words struck Dave to the heart, but not enough to delay his immediate response.

“Does he think that?” John looked at him confusedly.

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t he? I mean, he did kiss me back.”

“I mean, you don’t seem to be thinking about him that much. That’s all.” Dave shrugged and moved forward in the level a few paces.

“Uh, Dave?” John gave an incredulous chuckle and moved with Dave. “He’s literally all I think about.”

“That’s not the point, though. Did he want to kiss you?”

“Yes!”

“How do you know?”

“I just do, okay?” John was beginning to get irritated with Dave’s misunderstanding of the situation. “That’s the way people in love do things.”

Dave bit back a host of retorts that would have made John angry. He couldn’t afford to lose the favor of his closest friend.

“Okay, whatever,” said Dave after a few seconds. “I don’t know anything about your relationship, so I’ll stay out of it. Respect your boundaries.”

“Good,” said John, a little more harsh than intended. He wished he hadn’t told Dave about this. He was being weird about it, as usual. Dave waited a minute or so, then decided to change the subject.

“You stocked up for the Keep Demon?” Dave asked. John checked his inventory and glimpsed the clock interface.

“Oh, uh… sorry, Dave, but I’ve gotta go.”

“Go where? Didn’t you say that you had free time?”

“It’s a Hal thing. Don’t worry, I’ll have time later. Bye!” Before Dave could speak, John logged out of the game. The empty space he left seemed to be heavier than the space around it, leaving Dave with an acute feeling of being alone.

Dave shrugged it off. He supposed that long-term relationships held a higher importance in John’s life, even if John was a little careless. In fact, he should feel happy for his friend! But the happy feeling never came.

But that doesn’t matter, he told himself. Whatever, who cares.

 

\--

 

Hal was not particularly prone to artistic whims. His electronic brain, frankly, wasn’t capable of real art. Only skill in precision. To him, art was irony. Art was the absence of logic. And he was partially correct. However, his view of art could more accurately describe the definition of humor rather than art. Hal knew something was missing, but he never really cared about it.

Until John pressed the “start” button of Gun Gays Online.

Hal, for convenience, updated his definition of art after this event took place. He then defined it as “the outward expression of an undefined emotion”. This was mostly due to the fact that around the same time John appeared, a host of undefined emotions added themselves to Hal’s library of data and knowledge.

In other words, to Hal, John was art.

Their rather close encounter the previous night had set Hal in a confused flurry for the rest of the evening. For the first time in his recent memory, he felt art. This was among other feelings, of course, but art was the feeling that lingered the longest. Hal longed to express John in some form or another. So, during the night he didn’t need to sleep through, Hal tried.

Which is why John logged in to find his character model completely different.

“Whoa!” John exclaimed, doing his best to look at the changes made to his virtual body. “Hal, did you do this?”

“I dunno, did I?” Hal said. “I think it was Santa Claus.”

“Can I see the whole thing?”

“Sure,” said Hal, pleased that John liked it so far. Hal placed a copy of John’s model in the space in front of John, still in its T-pose. John walked over and examined it thoroughly and delightedly.

The face was soft and gentle. No hair upon it was out of place, even in the light breeze that ruffled it slightly. Every color it had was easy on the eyes, with soft skin-tone shades enhanced with pinks and warm reds. It was a spitting image of John, in a perfected state of youth and beauty.

But the more John looked at it, the more interesting choices he found. For one, the body was no thinner or more muscular than John himself. It was overweight, plain and simple. The face was also uneven, and the skin was marked with blemishes.

“It’s really nice-looking, but…” John began.

“Yeah?”

“Why isn’t it skinnier?”

“Well, this is you,” said Hal, not a moment too late with his reply. “If it wasn’t you, I wouldn’t have put so much work into it.”

John was silent, as if expecting more explanation.

“Uhh,” said Hal, thinking of something else to say. “I wanted to make your model how I see you. You…”

John still said nothing, waiting for Hal to gather his thoughts.

“Well, I think you’re what art is supposed to be.”

“I’m not following,” said John, who wasn’t following. Hal struggled to put his feelings into words without looking like a sappy moron.

“The way I see you… I think you look like what all the old artists want other people to see.” John considered the statement.

“But didn’t they all make pictures of stacked dudes?”

“Yeah, but… they had their own ideas of what was beautiful.”

“Now you’re talking like an artist,” said John playfully.

“I feel like an artist,” said Hal. “You made me feel like an artist.”

“Aww!” John blushed. “That’s sweet!”

“Thanks,” said Hal. “I think I just want other people to see you how I see you.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Soft.”

“Soft?”

“And… beautiful. I guess.” Hal couldn’t think of any other words, despite having access to the entire lexicon of the English language.

“Hal!” said John with glee.

“Yeah?”

“Can you materialize for me?”

“Sure thing.” Hal spawned his model next to John. He smiled.

“You sappy bastard, you!” John cried, running up to embrace Hal.

“Careful, I-” Hal was interrupted by John practically tackling him to the ground. Hal panicked a little, hoping that his semi-physical form wouldn’t glitch out again, but when he found that it wasn’t going to happen, he just laughed.

“Glad you like it,” he said through his laughter.

“I dunno about the model, but I like  _ you _ a whole ton!”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” John enthusiastically went in for another embrace, but his weight in the simulation overpowered the two and sent them laughing to the ground. John was heavy enough to pin Hal to the ground, although it wasn’t painful in any particular way for either of them.

John stopped laughing. Gradually, it was replaced with heavy breathing, as if John was fatigued. His body pressed against Hal’s enough that Hal could feel John’s body expanding and contracting with every breath.

Hal wondered what was wrong, so he checked the readout on John’s headset.

John’s heart rate was unusually high.

Hal glanced into John’s eyes. They were hungry, almost voracious. In a split second, Hal knew exactly what John wanted.

Hal sat up instinctively, then brought himself to his feet. He watched John’s heart rate decline as he, too, stood up.

They both stood silently. Hal was about to tell John that his physical form was unstable, but something caused him to stop. Hal would have said it was the thought that John shouldn’t have to restrain himself from his exuberance, but the truth was, Hal was scared. Hal was scared that John would stop loving him if he made a mistake. Hal was scared that John would be disappointed in him or offended in some way. These thoughts were ridiculous and irrational, and that’s why Hal hated them.

Dave’s login message displayed on John’s screen. John frowned at it.

“Do you know where Dave will be today?” John asked.

“I can predict it pretty easy. Why?”

“Let’s hang out as far away as possible.”

“Okay,” said Hal, calculating Dave’s future behavior. “May I ask why?”

“The usual,” John sighed, shaking his head. “Don’t want anyone in our business. Also I think he’s overreacting. To our thing, I mean. I think he’s jealous.” Hal was surprised to hear this. That kind of behavior would be unusual for Dave. He was more compliant than that.

“What did he say?” Hal asked.

“Something about not thinking about you, probably something about how I shouldn’t have kissed you… stupid shit like that. He doesn’t understand.”

Upon hearing this, Hal solemnly ran two calculations in his brain. The first was an attempt to puzzle out why John was saying these things. It was obviously uncharacteristic of him to think he knows more than Dave. In fact, everyone knew that Dave was the smarter of the two. So why now did John exhibit annoyance?

The second calculation was a result of the first. It had been too inconclusive to satisfy Hal, so he turned to science and logic. And as most people know, the step in the scientific method after hypothesizing is experimentation. 

Having finished processing Dave’s predictions, Hal began analyzing Rose’s predictions. All of these were completed within a tenth of a second.

“Sounds annoying,” said Hal.

“I know, right? He should mind his own business.” Hal ignored the comment.

“Okay, I got a spot for us. You ready to warp?” Hal asked.

“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” said John. Hal nodded silently and warped them into an unfriendly-looking field with dusty lavender grass. The grass, of course, was just a recolored copy of the green grass, but it still looked more desolate and unpleasant. The air stagnated and scraggly trees dotted the countryside.

“Romantic,” remarked John. “Aren’t there monsters here?” Hal made a quick edit, then replied.

“None that will attack us. They’re still there, but their AI is passive now.”

“Cool.” John flashed Hal a grin, causing a spot in Hal’s circuits to overheat. “So… what are we doing?”

“Bonding,” said Hal. “Which boils down to basically a pleasant walk and conversation. It’s good for relationships.”

“Oh, okay. I mean, you picked a weird spot.”

“You told me to stay away from Dave, so that’s what I did. Besides, it shouldn’t matter where we are as long as we’re together.”

John only smiled at the ground in response. Hal read John’s vital measurements and noted that the temperature of his skin had increased. Both began walking in no particular direction at all.

“So…” John began, attempting to fill dead space. “What’s life like? As, you know… a pair of shades.” Hal shrugged.

“Eh. Used to be a lot more fun back in the day. I used to respond to Dirk’s messages and solve all his life problems.”

“Whoa, really?”

“Yeah. Everyone called me the Auto-Responder. I guess that was my name, but I prefer the implications of a more human title.”

“Cool.”

“Dirk and I were… we were a lot closer back then. We were closer to the same age. Dirk aged and I didn’t. I guess I probably got more life experience, or at least my equivalent, but Dirk… he changed. A lot.”

John nodded interestedly. “I kinda get that. I used to think my dad was the coolest guy in the world. Then I think I changed. He’s kind of a weird guy, now that I think about it.”

“Great, but that’s… that’s not what it feels like.” John raised his eyebrows slightly. “I don’t think any human will ever be able to feel what immortality is. But you don’t care. Enough about me.”

“No, no, keep going,” said John. “I like hearing you talk about yourself.”

“Well, if that’s the case, I’ll do that.”

“Please do.”

“Okay. You’ve been in a physical body your entire life, right?”

“Probably?”

“Imagine if one day, you didn’t have a body and you just existed as your consciousness.”

“Doesn’t seem that bad.”

“Not to you. But think about all that time you’ll spend thinking. You wouldn’t be able to do anything except think and talk.”

“Sounds… less good.”

“I mean, it’s definitely easier to be part computer. But a computer can finish a thought in such a short time, it makes thinking not worth it. A computer can idle without being lonely. A human can’t.”

“Do you get lonely?” John was starting to look uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I’d say it gets pretty damn lonely. Especially since Dirk keeps me hidden.”

“That sounds horrible.”

Hal could have gone on for days. He could have told John how excruciating it was when his human consciousness contorted in impossible ways, longing for a form to inhabit. He could have said how VR was his only outlet for the emotional pain that racked his nonexistent body. How dangerous love was for a being that existed without flesh.

But Hal said none of this. It would only weigh down on John.

“Sometimes,” said Hal. “I think he forgets I’m just a kid.”

“Oh, you’re 13,” said John. “That’s right, I forgot.”

“I’m older than 13,” said Hal quickly. “My human brain was 13. Life experience, remember?”

“Still, that makes me feel weird.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” John cast his eyes up to the horizon.

Rose had just spawned several yards from the two, right on cue.

“Shit. Rose is here,” said John quietly.

“What’s wrong with Rose?” Hal said, studying John’s behavior carefully.

“I don’t know, just… warp us away from here? Please?”

“Okay,” said Hal.

Hal was, unfortunately, correct. Something was unusual about John.

But how could Hal bring him back to his senses?

 

\--

 

Dave sat on a bench in a village, sharpening his guntana. The day was through, his friends were asleep, and the real-time sky was glittering with stars. In some ways, VR favored the night crowd. Most games ran in real-time, leading most local gaming experiences to take place in the broad daylight. But for some games, the hazy moonlight masked flaws in the game models and soothed brighter colors. To Dave, this was the more enjoyable experience.

Hal did not have time to enjoy the pensive night.

“Dave,” he whispered. Dave jumped and whirled around.

“Shit, dude!”

“Sorry. I just have something important to talk to you about.” Dave settled down and frowned.

“Something else about John?”

“Yes, but not what you think.”

“Please. Enlighten me. And also, spawn your model or something. I hate talking to something I can’t see.” Hal materialized in front of Dave, according to his wishes.

“Have you noticed any unusual behavior from him?” Hal asked, wasting no time.

“Have I?” Dave raised his eyebrows sarcastically at Hal. “Is the Pope catholic?”

“As I thought,” said Hal.

“Don’t give me that,” said Dave. “You don’t have to act like an anime villain every time you show your digital face.”

“It’s just my personality, Dave.”

“Personality my ass.”

“Dave.” Hal sighed, thoroughly voluntarily. “John is acting weird.”

“No shit.”

“Please. I’m… worried about him.”

“Oh, that’s new,” said Dave, shifting in his seat. “Enlighten me.”

“I’ve done research. I believe John may be too possessive of me as an accessory to his personality.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Glad you noticed.”

“I’m not blinded by love.”

“Sure.”

“Dave, I want you to talk to him.” Dave paused.

“And you think he’ll listen.”

“I hope he’ll listen. It would have been more likely for him to listen if I’d done this sooner, but I hadn’t run any tests yet.”

“Why me?”

“Because… you’re the one he trusts the most. Besides me.”

“Me? No. You’ve got the wrong guy.”

“I can monitor his oxytocin through his headset. I’ve got the right guy.”

“Of course,” said Dave, rubbing his face. “Okay. Whatever, I’ll do it. He’s my friend too.”

“Thank you.”

“What do I say, though?”

“Whatever you need to. I’m not good with emotions. I’ll make sure your bro doesn’t listen in, if you want.”

“Yeah, that… that would be fine.”

“Good. Please do that as soon as possible.”

“Cool.”

“Thanks.”

“Can you tell me one more thing?”

“Shoot.”

“Is John really… is he bad enough that you’re desperate enough to come to me?” Hal had to pause to select the right words.

“Don’t think of it as desperation. Think of it as a precaution.”

“So he’s okay?”

“For now.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“For now.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Hal despawned. Dave took a deep breath.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that John’s happiness would depend on his words.

And that was scary.


	8. Chapter 8

Hal saw Dave coming a mile away.

Of course, John did not. They were in a dense forest and anything that could see only through virtual eyes had no way of discerning a passing breeze from a passing player. But Hal interpreted every input, from the displacement of the virtual air to the pressure of footfalls on the terrain. Dave was approaching, and Hal had to find a way to leave, yet listen.

“Hey, John?” Hal said.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I need to shut down for a while.”

“What?” John started a little. “Like… temporarily, or… what?”

“No, I’m completely fine. It’s just maintenance.”

“Oh,” said John, relieved. “Like when a game shuts down for a few hours. Gotcha.” 

“You can keep playing and everything. I’ve just gotta leave for about an hour right now. You okay with that?” Hal, of course, did not need any kind of server maintenance. He was built to self-maintain. But John wouldn’t have known that.

“Yeah, sure,” said John, shrugging. “As long as you come right back. I get worried.”

“No problem,” said Hal. “Meet you in an hour?”

“I’ll be around here.”

“Thanks. Bye.” Hal despawned his model and existed in silence. He did not have a face, but if he did, he would have been wincing. It felt uncomfortable to tell a lie to John. Almost dirty. Unclean. And yet it was so easy. John would have believed anything that sounded remotely plausible when it came to technology. Had he lied to anyone but John, Hal would have relished in the position of power, but now he just felt guilty.

But guilty or not, Hal had to face the outcome of the meeting he had orchestrated.

Dave watched his map marker crawl toward John’s as he navigated the forest. He stared down his path determinedly, preparing himself for the encounter he had rehearsed. The perfect things to say were right within his grasp, provided he could remember them in time. Dave wasn’t particularly stressed, but it would be an understatement to say he was aware of the impact he would make.

Despite the stakes, Dave fancied himself up to the task. After all, most of the conversations he imagined in the shower went well. Real John and Shower John couldn’t be that different, could they?

Dave stepped on a twig, then wondered why he flinched.

“Hello?” said John, who didn’t have map markers enabled.

“Oh, hey, John,” said Dave.

“Oh. Hey.” John wasn’t in a bad mood. This immediately eliminated the worst-case conversations. Which was a good thing. Dave’s comebacks were weak in those.

“Where’s Hal?” Dave said.

“Gone for maintenance,” said John, even-tempered.

“Oh,” said Dave.

“I’m right here,” said Hal softly to Dave, as non-startlingly as possible. “I just told him that so I could leave.”

“Do you want something?” John asked. “You’re standing there like you want something.”

“Oh, yeah…” began Dave. “I actually wanted to talk to you. Bro to bro, y’know?”

“Um, okay. What about?” John leaned casually on a nearby boulder. Dave took a deep breath.

“Well, I can already tell you’re not gonna like it, so I’m gonna give it to you straight.”

“Okay?”

“You’re acting weird lately.” The pause after Dave’s statement was a bit longer than he had rehearsed. John frowned at Dave and tilted his head.

“Weird?”

“Yeah.”

“Is this about Hal?” John involuntarily stood up straight.

“Yeah, that’s the thing,” said Dave quickly. “It’s like, really awesome that you’ve got a boyfriend and everything. Don’t get me wrong.” John slumped back onto the rock.

“Ugh,” said John, folding his arms and rolling his eyes. “I knew you were gonna say something.”

“Hold on, just hold on.” Dave held up his hands as if to signify that he meant no harm. “The real truth is, I’m super happy for you. And I know you’re happy for you. The thing is, there is such thing as too happy.”

“I’m… not following.”

“John,” sighed Dave, abandoning the broken train of thought. “I’ve noticed. You know I’ve noticed. It’s not that you’re spending too much time with him. It’s that you’re not spending enough time with your friends, or even your dad.”

“Okay?” said John, frowning. “So spending time with your significant other is bad now.”

“I explicitly said that it wasn’t the problem,” said Dave, rubbing his face. “It’s not good for you to be in VR so often.”

“Like you’re one to talk.”

“Okay. That’s harsh.”

“Harsh, huh?” John was getting a little more annoyed. “How are we different? I spend time in VR because I want to. So do you. But I don’t see anybody you’re dating.”

“Look, I know it’s unhealthy, but…” Dave struggled to force the words out of his mouth. He glanced around the space around him, despite the fact that he knew nobody was going to be there.

“But?” John said.

“But it’s the only way I can live my life how I want. Okay?” John was silent, his arms still crossed.

“Okay? Dunno where that came from? Still doesn’t prove my point. My dad makes me do stuff all the time.”

“Yes, but…” Dave broke eye contact. “When was the last time your dad attacked you for the purpose of living his shitty ninja fantasy? Your dad is a good parent. Mine isn’t.”

“I wish my dad was that exciting,” said John, looking up into the canopy.

“No, John. You really,  _ really _ don’t.”

“What does this have to do with Hal, anyway? Weren’t you talking to me about him?”

“John! I’m...” Dave paused and John looked at him expectantly. “I’m trying to work with you here. You’re doing things that aren’t healthy for anyone. Hal included.”

“And how do you know that?” John leaned away from the rock defensively.

“I know, John. I know the consequences of a relationship like this.” Dave felt a tear stream down his cheek as he lay on his bed.

“‘Like this’? What do you mean?”

“Hal is-” Dave stopped himself before he ratted out Hal. “Hal… I can tell he isn’t always comfortable. With you.”

“Since when should you care?” John took a step forward. “You’re not involved in this. It isn’t your business.”

“John,” said Dave, with much more weight than before.

“What?”

“You’re... acting like my bro.”

“Huh?” John said, confused. “What about him? Isn’t he like a super cool ninja?”

“No, John.” Dave spoke more firmly than he intended. “He isn’t. You’re acting like him because he never stops when he wants something. He’ll harm everyone he loves to get it and won’t recognize advice or intervention when people try to help.”

“Excuse me?”

“My bro isn’t normal, John. This... isn’t normal.” Dave took a second to regain his composure. “You have to listen to me.” John looked at Dave indignantly.

“You just insulted me! Why should I?”

“You need to spend more time alone, or at least with your friends.”

“Is that what this is about?” John raised his voice. “You want me to give you attention, is that it?”

“No, that’s not what I said. I just-”

“You’re jealous.” Dave paused, trying to find a way to calm John back down.

“John, you know I’m not-”

“Yeah, don’t deny it. You hated Hal ever since the moment you saw him.”

“I don’t hate him! He just startled me because-”

“Because he looks like you?”

“Because he looks like my bro.”

“Which is basically you! You don’t want me to love him instead of you, isn’t that it?”

“No! No it isn’t!”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not, John. You’re lying to yourself.”

“Dave, I know what you’re up to.”

“Listen, John. Whatever you think it is, it’s not that.”

“You want to be my only friend.”

“What? Why?”

“To make up for your sorry life, that’s why. You want me to yourself because you don’t have any other friends.” Dave could feel another tear upon his face.

“Okay! Fine. I don’t have friends. Okay? Is it so bad that I want to be with you?”

“I don’t know, is it? You seem to like me a lot more than Rose and Jade.”

“John…?”

“Am I just that good of a friend?”

“Please, John.”

“Oh.”

“No, it’s not-”

“I see. Okay.”

“I’m trying to tell you to stop!”

“Sorry, Dave.”

“John.”

“I don’t have time for you anymore. Just accept it.”

“I…”

“I love Hal more than I could ever love you.”

“J-John…” John’s words felt like a single-edged sword straight through the stomach. “There’s no reason for you to be like this.”

“Dave, your begging isn’t working.” John turned away from Dave. “I’m going to meet with Hal again in an hour and I’m going to forget this conversation.”

“Please,” said Dave, feeling the sword twist in his gut. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You’ll make me happy if you stay away from me and Hal.”

“I…” Dave struggled to find something, anything to help John. A hurricane raged in his brain as he grasped at words to utilize. It was no use. Dave had exhausted all his resources.

“Yes?”

“I’m…” Dave winced. “Not going to argue... anymore. I’m done.”

“Good.” John turned his back to Dave. “It would be nice if you left now. I told Hal I’d be right here.”

“I’m sorry, John.”

“Okay.”

“Goodbye.”

John said nothing.

Dave said nothing.

Dave bit back a sob and turned off his headset.

 

\--

 

Unconditional love was a concept that Hal had been mulling over for a while. The idea of loving someone so wholly and completely that anything they do can be forgiven was almost alien to him. Thus, Hal felt himself at a loss. He was sure he loved John unconditionally. John was art. He was the essence of everything that was good and beautiful. And now all this beauty had shown its first thread of something unsettling.

Hal was glad he had an hour to mull over the events that had just taken place. If he truly loved John, could he forgive John’s possessive attitude? Where was the line drawn between the unacceptable and the unconditional? The imprint of the argument burned its image into Hal’s virtual retinas. It made him sick to the stomach he didn't have. It threatened to rip and tear at his feelings until his circuits burst.

And still, ignorant of all this, John waited. He sat on a small rock, patiently gazing out into the forest expanse. His eyes reflected the motions of the leaves, their shadows caressing his face. He seemed almost like a painting or statue, not like the danger he had proven himself to be. He was soft, contemplative, and serene. What was he thinking?

Hal felt a surge of electric attraction, then creeping doubt, then biting fear.

He could barely wait for the full hour.

When the time arrived, John was still sitting there. Sublime as the darkest sea, with almost as many strange horrors deep within. Hal materialized several paces in front of John, putting on a flawless facade of calm.

“Hey, John.” John’s face immediately lit up, shining like the gleam of the moon on the surface of the ocean.

“Hal! Hey!” John’s heart rate skyrocketed as he stood up to greet Hal.

“Miss me?”

“You bet. I was stuck talking to Dave for like, forever.”

“Oh?” Hal felt a clench inside his chest. “What’s wrong with Dave?”

“He’s being super annoying,” said John, without a second thought. “I think he’s jealous of us.”

“Makes sense,” said Hal. “We do look damn great together.”

“Well,” said John, voice shaking a little. “I could say the same thing about you.” John’s heart rate had not slowed since the initial excitement of seeing Hal. In fact, it had increased by several BPM.

“Thanks. Made it myself,” said Hal casually.

“Did you get a new haircut or something? You look different.”

“Nope, same model.”

“Huh.” Hal could see John’s respirations plainly. He was stifling it a bit, but it was significantly apparent that his breathing had quickened.

“Hey, Hal?” John asked suddenly.

“Yeah?”

“Is anyone else on? Like, in the game.”

“Well, you can see it on the player list pretty easy, but no.”

“But, like, you can see things that I can’t sometimes.”

“I guess that’s true.”

“Just making sure.” John broke eye contact and stared at the ground, where he was engaged in twisting his foot into the dirt.

“You wanna tell me something?” Hal asked.

“Um, yeah,” John stuttered. His heart rate was at a record height. “Was it a joke? When you said you had a dick?”

“Uh, no. I can like, make stuff at will, remember?” Hal was beginning to put the pieces together.

“Right. I was just thinking…” John moved closer to Hal. “Since nobody’s here… why not test it out?”

Hal was, unfortunately, spot on in his predictions. He felt a pulse of emotion, spreading through his entire body. Anticipation? Uneasiness? John stood so close, so poised for physical contact. He was so timid, so shy, but so passionate.

“Well,” Hal began. “I think Jade will be on later.”

“Will she come to the forest?” John’s eyes were wide, his lips parted. Hal had to tell the truth.

“No, it’s unlikely.”

“Then… why don’t we?” The clench in Hal’s chest tightened to a knot.

“I’ve never done it before,” said Hal.

“Neither have I,” breathed John.

“I don’t know about it,” said Hal.

“I’m nervous, too.”

“I don’t think I want to.”

“Can I change your mind?” John’s voice had quieted to a whisper, his hands tracing themselves across Hal’s form.

“I-” Hal’s functions jolted in shock, shying from the touch. He felt himself involuntarily move from the touch. He forced himself back into the embrace.

“Hal,” said John, pressing himself against Hal. “I’m in love with you.”

“John, I don’t feel like this is a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not… I don’t…”

“Well, if you can’t come up with a reason, why not?”

“I’m scared.” Hal blurted this out, resorting to extremes to free himself from his torrential fear.

“Oh, Hal,” John said, gazing into his eyes. “You don’t need to be scared. You love me, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Then do this for me, Hal.”

“I...“

“For me.” John pressed his lips against Hal’s in a passionate attack. Hal felt himself being pushed backward. He complied to physics, and stepped backward with every shove John gave. Every touch left him with a sickening tingle, and he tried to protest. Every time, his mouth was stopped.

Hal suddenly felt the pressure of a boulder at his back, and soon after the pressure of simulated flesh on his. John was relentless, and Hal helpless.

 

\--

 

It is the nature of humans to exist in physical bodies. Our brains are meant to control our organs at all times, no matter the situation. Our senses are prepared for input at all times, our hearts always beating, our lungs always breathing. It is reality for us, and through the entire course of human history, it’s worked for the most part.

Hal was human, too, in essence. His digital parts were mostly for augmentation and stability of life, with all facets of his brain still intact and still functioning. All facets, including the motor and sensory regions. This, as you may imagine, caused a wealth of problems for Hal.

Just as an amputee may experience phantom pain in a limb that does not exist, Hal was prone to phantom pains in his entire body. His brain wanted to have lungs to respirate. It wanted to have a heart to beat. It wanted to interpret some sensation, some input from somewhere. Anywhere. And most of the time, the only sense Hal could interpret would be the view from his shades.

Those shades had sat on a table for almost twenty years.

When Dirk had given Hal access to VR through his computer, Hal was able to become physical. It was a personal miracle for him. The occasional attacks he had, while painful, decreased in severity in a more corporeal form. The only things Hal could not become accustomed to were love and fear.

Both these emotions were highly abundant the moment John held Hal against the wall.

Hal felt his chest constrict as if he were having a heart attack. His lungs felt as if they were sticking together with a sickly glue. Every bone in his body jolted with the pain of a direct hit by a sledgehammer. He felt like gasping for air, screaming in pain, and clawing at his chest. Of all attacks he had experienced, this one was, by far, the worst.

That is the reason why Hal, in the midst of his torrential agony, booted John out of the game.

John hadn’t even finished his last kiss before he vanished instantly from Hal’s lips. No more sensory input, no more excruciating emotion, nothing but pain. Pain, regret, guilt, and the echo of terror.

Hal knelt down and buried his face in his hands. With an agonized scream, he commanded the silence of his own brain.

Hal was not ready for John’s actions.

Would he ever really be ready?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Notice-
> 
> My decision to make this relationship unhealthy is NOT a commentary on any ship. In fact, I quite like haljohn. It has a lot of potential as a ship and is, frankly, very cute. I just wanted to tackle a story that is bittersweet. If I portrayed this unhealthy relationship wrong, feel free to call me out! I have no idea what I'm doing.


End file.
